Being confronted with the fact that a divorce proceeding has been initiated can certainly be disconcerting and upsetting. As a former nurse and having primarily practiced divorce and family law for over twenty years, I would like to share some of my insights. While some parties may be knowledgeable that this action is taking place, other parties may be absolutely caught “off guard”, being unaware that anything was or is amiss. The fact that one party, either Husband or Wife, is placed on notice that a divorce proceeding has been initiated evokes many feelings and emotions. Many persons may need some assistance as they attempt to cope with the emotional roller-coaster they may be experiencing. If either party is having any or all of the following signs and/or symptoms, it may certainly be beneficial to seek some assistance from a family physician, psychologist, and/or counselor.

1. Inability to sleep soundly and to get a good night’s sleep. If a person is not able to get to sleep and/or is not able to get six to eight hours of sleep per night, that person may begin to exhibit symptoms of sleep deprivation. A person who is sleep deprived will not be able to function well, may be irritable and easily distracted, and may be prone to errors and/or accidents.
2. Inability to stop crying and being emotionally labile. If a party is feeling weepy or teary, is crying very easily, or is experiencing rapid changes in mood(s), i.e. going from being happy to being very sad to being very angry to being irritated and tense, it may well be time to seek some assitstance.
3. Inability to make decisions–even minor ones. When one is overwhelmed emotionally, it becomes difficult to make decisions. What should I wear today? What should I do today? What shall I tell the children? Can I go to work? Can I face the persons with whom I work? Can I just stay home? Do I have to do anything today? It may seem as though it is impossible to make any decisions, and there may be fear that any decision made could be the “wrong” decision.
4. Inability to eat and/or eating in excess. Some persons may experience a loss of appetite or even nausea or vomiting due to the emotional trauma they are undergoing. Other persons may seek solace in food and overeat during the proceeding. Either can cause health problems and changes in one’s appearance and self-image.
5. Inability to function at work and/or at home. If a party is unable to perform or complete the expected tasks at the workplace, it is surely time to seek assistance. Likewise, if a party, often the woman, is unable to manage the household and/or to prepare meals, take care of the laundry, attend to housekeeping tasks, these are signals that assistance is needed.
6. Inability to concentrate and/or to remain focused on the task at hand. Persons experiencing these symptoms may not be able to complete assignments or projects as they are not able to remain focused. They may be trying to complete two to four different tasks and be unable to finish any of them.
7. Lack of attention to personal hygiene and appearance. Friends or family members of persons undergoing a divorce proceeding may notice that either party is becoming lax regarding cleanliness of person and/or clothing. Women may stop wearing makeup and/or taking care of their hair. Men may stop shaving and generally appear poorly groomed. It would be a kindness for family members and/or friends to talk with the party involved and to encourage them to seek assistance.

It must be recognized that seeking help is not a sign of “weakness” but a sign of “strength”! Getting assistance in a timely manner can be very beneficial for the party experiencing any or all of the above signs/symptoms and is also bound to be beneficial for other family members who may be experiencing a “trickle down” effect from having one’s parent or loved one suffering from the negative emotions of being in a divorce proceeding.

Divorce cases can be emotionally devastating to the parties. As a family law attorney, I not only have to evaluate the facts and give sound advice to my client, but I need to use my best set of skills to assess the client’s emotional stability, support network, and anxiety level. Sometimes this is relatively easy and in other cases it is extremely tough.

I am writing about this topic after reflecting about the Dayton Daily News article on August 28, 2008, about the local Trotwood police detective who survived two gunshot wounds inflicted by his wife because she was upset that he was divorcing her. It is so sad that apparently her anger led her to take such an irrational and violent act. I have learned that reaction to a divorce can run the entire gamut, ranging from happiness, paralysis, anger, depression, revenge; and yes, even to murder or suicide. I often spend as much time in a client conference considering the emotional aspects of the client as the legal aspects. While lawyers may be well trained in the law, we are not psychologists or experts in evaluating a client’s mental health. But the more experience we gain as family lawyers, the more we learn, and hopefully, the more perceptive we become. Having to assess and respond to client’s emotional volatility is one of the reasons that practicing family law might be the toughest area of law of all.

I believe that having a support network of some sort is extremely beneficial for most clients, and in many cases it is absolutely necessary! Going it alone can be extremely difficult even for the most “healthy and well-balanced” person imaginable. The importance of getting professional help from your medical doctor or a psychologist can’t be overstated. People going through a divorce can become obsessed with the belief that they are a failure. I try to explain to clients that priority number one has to be taking care of their own health and that a much better perspective is that the marriage has simply run its natural course and come to an end. Refection, while important, can and will come in time.

If the divorce proceeding is overwhelming you, be sure to ask your lawyer for a referral to a qualified therapist. See your doctor. Join a support group for people divorcing. If you feel that you might become violent or out of control, go to the hospital emergency room and request that you be admitted to the hospital. Contact a friend, family member, or co-worker and reach out to them. Be sure not to think that drinking alcohol will ease the pain. It won’t. It will only make you more depressed. Fight through the pain. Do everything necessary to protect your health and well being. With time and much effort your pain will diminish and your feelings will gradually improve.

Next week, Attorney Anne Shale, who was a nurse before becoming a divorce lawyer, will be posting an interesting article sharing her insights of “When to seek professional Counseling/Therapy.”

Gordon Gibb recently wrote an excellent article for lawyersandsettlements.com about the importance of hiring an experienced divorce lawyer. He lasers in on the topic with his opening sentences. “If there ever was a more important role for lawyers and litigation professionals, it is in family law. Corporate law, environmental law, even real estate law has nuthin’ on the complexities and the drama that explodes from divorce petitions, custody battles-even who gets to keep the family dog”. He concludes with “Experts suggest that if your relationship looks as though it is coming apart and you’re considering divorce, the best couple of hundred bucks you’ll ever spend is by sitting down with a reputable family law firm for a consultation. In an hour, the family attorneys can give you a pretty good idea of what you might be in for, what the dynamic, the payout and the cost, the likely custody arrangement, and in a nutshell what kind of life you’re going to have at the end of it all. It may not be pretty, and after hearing the hard facts you might think twice about dissolving your relationship, and try to patch it up instead.”

If unfortunately you find you marriage “on the rocks”, be proactive and talk to a qualified and experienced family law attorney at the outset. Don’t simply rely on advice from friends who have gone through a divorce. Divorce cases are very fact sensitive and outcomes vary dramatically based on subtle nuances. Nuances that only a qualified family law attorney can flesh out and properly assess.

Click here to read Mr. Gibb’s entire article.

If you find yourself involved in a divorce, custody case or other family law litigation you may run across some unfamiliar terms. Here are some common ones with a short definition:

AFFIDAVIT - Information provided under oath.  Often times pertaining to current finances, debts and assets.

BAILIFF - The judge’s assistant who helps with the court docket and often oversees the decorum in the courtroom.

CONTEMPT - An action requesting the court to punish a person for violating a prior Court order.

CONTINUANCE - A delay or postponement of a scheduled court appearance.

CPO - A “civil protection order”. An order which can be issued by the court in a domestic violence proceeding requiring a person to vacate a home and cease all contact/communication.

DEPOSITION - A form of discovery where opposing counsel gets to ask questions orally to a party or witness under oath in the presence of a court reporter before trial.

DISCOVERY - The early phase of a case where each side requests information relevant to the issues at hand. This phase may include depositions, interrogatories, production of document requests, and requests for admissions.

DV - Short for a “Domestic Violence” action.

GAL - Short for “Guardian Ad Litem”. Typically, an advocate/attorney for a child. Please click here for links to several articles on GAL’s on this blog.

GUIDELINES - Short for “child support guidelines.” Calculations made based on a statutory formula with many variables, which presents a starting point for child support determinations.

IN CAMERA - A private interview between the Judge/Magistrate and typically a child without the parents or lawyers in the room.

INTERROGATORIES - Part of the discovery phase where written questions are submitted to the opposing party for response.

MAGISTRATE - A lawyer appointed by the Judge to hear cases and make recommendations of the findings of the facts and the outcome. Virtually, the same power as the judge.

PRO SE - A party who is not represented by a lawyer is acting Pro Se.

QDRO - Short for a “Qualified Domestic Relations Order”. This is a specially drafted Court order with many technical nuances dividing a person’s retirement account.

RESTRAINING ORDER - An optional order that is typically issued at the start of a divorce proceeding to maintain the current status, avoid harassment, prohibit disposal of assets and to prohibit retaliation for the filing of the action.

Perhaps it is time to forget the “I am a man and can take care of myself” attitude. Did you know that under Ohio law, the factors for alimony or spousal support are gender blind? Up until the 1980’s there were few men who received spousal support from their wives, but times and attitudes are slowly changing. As more men are granted custody of their children or become stay at home dads, the need for women to pay both child and spousal support has increased. But interestingly, statistics show that “thirty-three percent of higher-earning spouses are women, but fewer than four percent of alimony payers are women”, according to a CNN article on Manimony (a slang term for alimony paid to men). In today’s society many men still refuse to request spousal support even if their spouse earns much more money than they do. So it seems that the inequality in spousal support awards may have more to do with male machismo than any legal bias.

In her blog, Attorney Marie Fahnert, the author of the Chicago Divorce Lawyer had a very insightful perspective on the topic. She believes that “women will never achieve full equality until men stop being stigmatized for earning less that their wives. Simply speaking- if alimony rates for men stay as they are- a married man will never have the same incentive as a women to invest in his spouse’s career.”