No one wants to get divorced. We don’t walk down the aisle thinking, “Aw, what the hell, if this doesn’t work, I can always get a divorce.” You probably thought more along the lines of, “I don’t care how many people get divorced. This is not going to happen to us!” Yet here you are. It is awful and it hurts more than you could have ever imagined.
Divorce is a process, with many issues, facets, twists, and turns. Your emotional well being, along with your financial and legal assets, will all be called into play. Where you live, how you live, how you define yourself, and what you want from life are all going to be examined, evaluated, and possibly changed. As the process unfolds, the most important thing you can do is learn to pace yourself. You will learn many new things about life, finances, the legal system, your spouse, and mostly yourself.
Right now, you may be focused on the fear and loss. But that will change. In one year you will feel better than you do now. In fact, you may feel better than you have ever felt in your life! How do we know this? Because change is always happening! Nothing is static. Life is a great pendulum, swinging back and forth, offering us moments of great joy and then deep pain and sometimes moments of peace and stability.
But, for today all you need to do is to let yourself feel whatever you are feeling and to know this: these feelings will change. By learning and accepting that the deep pain will pass can help you not act on impulse. It will diminish the possibility of your making any foolish mistakes. Everything in this process can wait one more day. This includes acting on what you feel. So, learn to sit with your feelings and observe yourself. Feeling something won’t get you into trouble. Acting on it will!
You will laugh and cry along your journey. As the process evolves, you will encounter new experiences, thoughts and new ideas. Accept even the things you don’t like as valuable as they also hold great lessons. They are all part of your growth.
With patience and pacing, you can pay attention to all that is unfolding and learn everything you need from this experience. You will emerge stronger and more confident for having gone through the experience. Imagine that pendulum attached to a large clock and as the time passes, that pendulum will swing over to the other side and there you discover joy and peace in your life! In this journey you will discover knowledge deep in your heart, that having come through this difficult time you are more resilience, wiser and more capable of dealing whatever challenges that may lie ahead.
©2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at her website. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com
© 2011, Ohio Family Law Blog. All rights reserved.
Donna F. Ferber, is a psychotherapist in private practice since 1986. She is a licensed professional counselor, a licensed alcohol and drug abuse counselor and an educator. Donna works with individuals and in groups. Her office is in Farmington, Connecticut.
