If You Are in an Emotionally Abusive Marriage, Should You Stay Together for the Sake of the Kids?

A Victim Of Domestic Violence and Have Kids? My Published Thoughts From A Practicing Divorce Lawyer Of Over 40 Years

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. There are many forms of domestic violence and it can be inflicted in countless ways! Here is a link to an excellent post on our Blog from last year including 10 Tips to Have an Informed Conversation about Domestic Violence, published by The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV). https://www.hcmmlaw.com/blog/2020/10/03/domestic-violence-awareness-month/

Most parents want to do everything possible to protect their kids and for them to grow up healthy. The title to this blog article is an age-old debate topic that comes up in many initial divorce conferences. Daniel Pollack, a professor at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work at Yeshiva University, tackled this subject in an informative article just published on October 14, 2021, in the New York Law Journal. The author sought feedback from 2 mental health professionals and 4 experienced divorce lawyers from across the Country, including myself.

HERE WERE MY THOUGHTS ON THIS ISSUE PUBLISHED IN THE ARTICLE:

Having been a practicing divorce lawyer for over 40 years, I have this conversation all too often with my clients. It can be a sticky subject! The client wants to be praised for being a warrior and continuing to put up with the abuse to simply make life better for the kids. Of course, I want to be supportive of their notion of self-sacrifice. But I will share with them that the literature I have read (as well as feedback from former clients) indicates that such a “protect the kids” approach doesn’t usually benefit the kids in the long term. Nor does it usually last too long. Abusive relationships tend to escalate, not diminish with time. Having an “abuse free” loving nurturing environment is going to hugely benefit everyone much more than continuing living in a home with chronic emotional abuse.

Don’t worry, kids are generally very resilient and they will adjust to moving out. Often, I hear the client state as mitigation: “The abuse doesn’t usually occur in front of the kids”. I believe that kids are surprisingly aware of how the parents are treating each other and getting along. Such a statement is often part of the denial reaction to the abuse. Children should be raised without emotional abuse in order to become healthy adults. Their self-esteem needs to be nourished not damaged. A bad role model (abuser) can taint the overall development and best interests of the children. My final advice is always for the client to see a psychologist/therapist to help work through all those issues, including a divorce transition plan.

“I’m staying in the marriage for the kids’ sake.”

If you want to read the entire article by Professor Pollack as well as the input from the other 5 professionals, you can read the article by clicking here..

Dan, thanks for reaching out to me and seeking my viewpoint on this important topic!

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, our experienced Dayton divorce lawyers at Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight & Mues can assist. Call us at 937 293-2141 to schedule an in-person conference or one over the phone or via Zoom.

Daniel Pollack is a Professor at Yeshiva University’s School of Social Work in New York City and a frequent expert witness in child welfare cases, including child abuse, neglect and dependency cases. Dan is a frequent guest contributor to the Ohio Family Law  Blog since 2009. He can be reached at dpollack@yu.edu.  

Tell us about your case.

© 2021, Ohio Family Law Blog. All rights reserved.