How to Tell Your Children About Your Filing for Divorce

Filing For Divorce? Break The News To Your Children With These Recommendations

Having been a divorce lawyer for over 40 years, I am asked this question frequently. I always appreciate the question. It shows appropriate concern and insight about the importance of handling this matter correctly.

My advice is to spend time reading materials from counselors and psychologists on the subject more qualified to address it. There are a ton of resources available online or books on the topic. Planning ahead is important – don’t just drop this “bomb” in an off-hand nonthought-out manner.

Here are some suggestions the professionals often recommend:

1. Both Parents Tell the Kids Together

   While this may not be possible in many situations, it certainly is usually the best approach if you and your spouse can present a civil “united front”. That will hopefully show your children that both parents will continue to be in their lives going forward. Also, doing it together prevents one parent from unintentionally (or intentionally) placing blame.

2. Plan What You Will Say

   Avoid the thought that you need to explain EVERYTHING. Sharing the “truth” is not important. The objective is to provide the children  reassurance and loving support. Generally, you want to explain that both of you have decided to divorce because it is best for the family. That you have tried to work out your problems but have not been able to do so. Make sure you tell them that the divorce is not at all their fault. You want to emphasize that your kids are LOVED by both parents and that love will never end. Tell them that you both know that they love you BOTH and that needs to continue even after the divorce. You want to do everything possible so the kids don’t feel in the middle. That would be unhealthy for them. Hopefully, you can assure the children that the two of you will work together to protect and care for them. While you and your spouse won’t be married, you will always be a family and you will always be Mom and Dad.

3. Consider the Best Timing

   This can be quite important. You don’t want to “spring” it on them nor do you want to tell them too soon. You want a fairly brief transition period to avoid any extended “worry” period.

4. Explain What the Future Routines Will Look Like – Reassurance is Key!

   While it may not be entirely possible to do this pending Court action, kids will want to know what their new routines will look like. What will stay the same and what will change? Explain the living arrangements once agreed. Never lie to them. Reassure them that that their friends, activities and school won’t change.

5. Expect Lots of Questions

   Kids will react to this news very differently. It depends on their age and manner of processing information. Don’t be afraid to indicate that you are still trying to work details out. Discuss the basic logistics with them but DO NOT INVOLVE THEM IN DISCUSSIONS ABOUT THE COURT/LEGAL PROCEEDINGS.

6. Consider Getting Counseling

   If the children are having a difficult time handling the divorce issue, consider taking them to see a counselor to help them with their emotional transition issues. They may have “a lot on their plate” and would benefit from the expertise of a neutral professional counselor. It would also show them how much BOTH parents want them to remain healthy and stress-free. By the same token, don’t ignore your own mental health and also obtain your own counseling if you are depressed, not sleeping or having work issues. You need to be healthy and strong for your children.

Conclusion

There is no one correct way to approach telling your children about your intended divorce. The fact that you are reading this blog is extremely positive. It is evidence that you recognize how critically important the children are and your desire to protect and facilitate their continued emotional health. After telling them, keep a close eye on how they are coping. Good Luck in your divorce journey!

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