Children of Divorce should not be taken for granted!
PUBLISHER’S NOTE:
We were fortunate to have third year University of Dayton law student Shane McDonough extern with our firm this semester. Shane worked with us on a lot of divorce cases during his externship. We discussed his parents having divorced when he was a young boy and some of the effects. This blog he wrote about his childhood is emotional and very powerful! Hopefully, his sharing it will help both divorcing parents and other children of divorce to better appreciate how divorce can impact their children’s lives. We will miss you Shane! Best of success in your legal career. Stay in touch!
Negative Actions of Divorced Parents Can Impact Children of Divorce
If there is one positive aspect of my parents’ divorce, it is that I was too young to understand what exactly was happening. I was around two and a half years old when my parents were divorced. Although I have no recollection of the divorce proceedings or the ensuing months following the proceedings, one of my first memories is a supervised visitation meeting with my dad. Since then, I was exposed to a plethora of instances where my parents often argued about anything and everything. Some of the arguments were brought up time and time again, so much so that from a young age I began to feel guilty. I only felt guilty because it seemed that many of the arguments centered around me, my involvement in activities, what school I should go to, and other general critiques of the other parent and of how I should be raised.
Some of these arguments, however, were not really about me. Although I was the topic of the debate, often times the real argument was a petty one between ex-spouses trying to have the last laugh. I can confidently say that now, but when I was experiencing these arguments first-hand all I could think of was how to appease both of my parents. What can I do to make both of them happy? But I should have never felt that way. I should not have had those pressures and responsibilities when other kids in elementary school were only concerned about asking their parents for a new video game.
My parents’ inability to refrain from arguing in my presence almost stripped me of my childhood. I want to clarify that I am an only child and that there were limited resources, or escapes, if any, for me to actually feel like a child. What I mean by that is I did not have any siblings to go play with, or to talk to about what our parents were arguing about. When I was home and my mom was arguing with my dad on the phone, that was my business. That was my only worry and concern because that was the extent of my family. But all of this does not mean that my childhood should have been this way.
Children of Divorce Understand More Than We Hope To Think
From an early age, I was anxious and nervous because my adolescent mind was troubled with real-world problems. Luckily, both of my parents loved me dearly and knowing that helped me persevere. The anxiety and stress that I was accustomed to was attributable to my parents and if there is one thing all parents going through a divorce should realize, it is that children understand more than we hope to think. I know this because of what I was able to understand at an early age. While divorces are between ex-spouses, the children are the ones stuck in the crossfire. Refraining from arguing in their presence and making disparaging comments about the other parent can help foster a healthy childhood for children of divorce.
While my mom had custody of me, I always looked forward to visitation with my father over weekends. Regardless of what comments or what arguments I witnessed between my parents, my love and respect for each of them never changed. I could not help but always look up to my dad because, plainly, he was my dad. Sometimes, my dad would not show up to take me for weekend visitation. Those times crushed me. I would become frustrated and easily annoyed for the duration of the weekend. Regardless of how many weekends he missed though, I always looked forward to the weekend. I can recall a few times where I was much more upset than others, and where I would hold it against my dad in the future. Looking back, I wish I would not have done that. But that did not have too much of an effect on my feelings because as I got older and became a teenager, I would spend as much time with my dad as possible.
You and Your Ex-Spouse Should Minimize Arguing While in the Children’s Presence
After school I would go to his house until my mom would get home from work in the evening, and when I was not busy on the weekends, I was with him. I guess my point in this is to say, if you are going through a divorce or are currently divorced, and your children look up to you and love you, do not give them any reason to no longer feel that love towards you. Do not make them feel that they are not loved by skipping out on a visitation or minimize the reasons your children have to no longer look up to you. At some point, the relationship can dwindle and eventually erode completely. Luckily for me, I was not constantly let down time after time, but it certainly annoyed me and made me mad at my dad.
Regardless of your feelings towards your ex-spouse and regardless of whether you are the custodial parent or have visitation, do not take your children for granted. While a divorce may leave you with a distaste for your ex-spouse, you still have children you must co-parent with them. While you may not get along, you and your ex-spouse should minimize arguing while in the children’s presence, because how you treat the other parent may have an adverse impact on how your children think of you. Do not forget that the reason you have hotly contested the terms of your parenting plan is because you want the best for your children. Further, your children are supposed to be a bright spot in life after divorce. If a parent is being unreasonable and uncooperative with the other regarding childcare, do not swoop down to their irrational level of thinking.
Think of Your Children When Making All Decisions Relating to Them
This will only lead to using the children as bargaining chips, whether you mean it or not. For example, if Parent A does not want Child to play football, and Parent B does, but Parent A has the authority to make the decision then Parent B will potentially feel that if Child does not play football, then Child should also not participate in whatever activity Parent A elects because that would be “fair” to both parents. It would only be fair in the sense that each parent would not be able to involve Child in one of each of their preferred activities. But how is it fair to the Child? It is not. It takes away possible learning and growing experiences for the Child. Further, in this manner, parents are negotiating as if the child is a contract. But the child is not a bargained for term in a contract, they are the living product of both parents. Parents should want to see the best of themselves in their children and are not likely to attain such a sight when they limit their child’s interactions with the world.
But another problem exists in the example above. What if Parent A, who has decision making authority, does not want to agree to Parent B’s request? Well then, another argument was just created based on the child, potentially making the child feel guilty for causing an argument between their parents. This example is indicative of the cyclical effect of these types of unnecessary arguments and their effects on children of divorce. If there is one thing you leave with after reading this blog article, it should be to think of your children when making all decisions relating to them, and what effect your action will have on their feelings toward you.
Be Receptive to New Ideas and be Open to Making Changes
When parents converse with each other regarding their children, they should be receptive to new ideas and be open to making changes that are in the best interest of the children, rather than have concrete baselines that cannot be negotiated. Ask yourself “Is my refusal to cooperate and negotiate with the other parent in the best interest of my children?” Chances are that a parent’s refusal to negotiate may have absolutely nothing to do with the child and is just a matter of pride. This advice is not meant to be directed at either parent, but rather at both parents because each parent should strive for their children to love and cherish their relationship with the other parent.
Thanks for reading my blog post. Please feel free to share it with others! I hope parents going through a divorce read it and if it helps them reflect on their actions and change them, then it will be a successful blog! I can be reached at mcdonoughs1@udayton.edu.
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Shane is currently externing at Dayton, Ohio Law firm Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight & Mues and is also a third-year law student at the University of Dayton School of Law. He will be graduating in May of 2023.