How to Make the Holidays a Happy Time for you and your Children After Divorce
Holidays are a joyous time. Christmas or Hanukah can be most memorable for both adults and children, but they are especially magical moments for children. However, as adults who are going through a separation, a divorce, or who have already been divorced, the holiday times can be very stressful. I believe that most parents want their children to be happy, but especially so during holiday times. So, what to do to ensure the best possible outcome?
Communication and cooperation are the two main ingredients. The first thing that both Ex’s need to do is to thoroughly review their custody agreement for holidays. Your plan is most likely tailored to what you agreed with at the time of separation, or divorce with your attorney or pursuant to the Court’s Standard Parenting Order. They all vary. Some have elected for shared time during each holiday, and some have agreed to every other holiday. Regardless make sure you know what your Court Order states. It is vital to an easy transition for the kids that you and your Ex are in total agreement as to the times of when you will exchange the children and the place where they are to be picked up.
Holidays can be hectic and sometimes there may be a need to change. Try your best to work with your Ex to accommodate both of your needs, but again make sure it is agreed and spelled out clearly in an email or text far in advance. That way you both know what each other’s expectations are. You want to avoid any last-minute confrontations that would make it stressful for all. For your children’s sake, please try to work with your Ex on any modifications, because you would hope they would do the same with you.
Holidays: Gifts For The Children..Split The List?
Depending on the ages of your children, include them in the plans that you have both made together so that they know what to expect. They need to know that they are loved by both parents, even though it might be hard for them to be away from one parent and not be together as it was in the past. They need to feel safe and cherished and happy for the time spent with each of you! They do not need to feel torn between the two of you, or made to feel guilty that they aren’t with one of you on a specific day. Putting your children’s best interests and coparenting together amicably is vital. This is not the time to be arguing and creating stress and frustrations. Easier said than done, but not impossible!
Advocate for Yourself During the Holidays
When it comes to gifts, don’t get in to a “one up” battle. Remember, it is not the gifts that count, it is the love shared and time spent together. However, for kids’, gifts are often a big part of the celebration. Do review the children’s requests with your Ex and split the list so you don’t duplicate and so it is equitable. Don’t be the one who takes the top 5 off the list, leaving your Ex to buy socks and underwear!
Discuss a budget you will both be willing to stick by so one of you doesn’t go overboard leaving one parent to feel overspent or underspent. (Try to get Grandparents to buy into this approach if possible, too.) Also, it is a thoughtful idea to take your child to buy a small gift to give to your Ex. Especially, when they are young and without funds of their own. It shows your child that you respect their other parent and that they are a valued part of their life.
I am a big proponent of making sure you are also taking care of yourself mentally and physically during a divorce. Your family dynamics have changed. Don’t forget to advocate for yourself. Although you are trying to put your kids’ needs first, don’t let your needs fall to the wayside. Try to eat healthily, exercise, surround yourself with friends and family, and if you need to talk to someone, reach out to a therapist.
Holidays can be both happy and stressful, but with cooperation, as much advance planning as possible, and thoughtful discussions with your Ex, it will help to make both of you and your children have a happy holiday.
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Attorney Robert “Chip” Mues has been focusing his legal practice throughout Southwest Ohio primarily in divorce and family law matters since 1978. Chip is passionate about family law and has proudly published the Ohio Family Law Blog since 2007. In addition, he is the managing partner of Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight & Mues. To learn more about him or the law firm, visit the firm’s website at www.hcmmlaw.com. Appointments are available in person, over the phone or by Zoom. Call us at 937 293-2141.
