Discernment counseling for couples considering divorce provides clarity and guidance on whether to end the marriage or work on reconciliation.
Understanding Discernment Counseling for Couples Considering Divorce
When a couple is having marital problems, counseling is often one of the first steps they take. However, if you are one of those couples with a “mixed agenda”, meaning one partner is leaning towards wanting a divorce while the other is wishing to stay married, then discernment counseling might be a route to try. For those not familiar with it, discernment counseling is a type of couples therapy for those who need guidance to see whether or not to terminate the marriage.
It is designed to help a couple examine their options and help them to figure out the best path to continue, whether it be it separation, reconciliation, or a divorce. It helps a couple to develop both clarity and perspective about whether divorce is right before actually going down that road.
Dr. William Doherty, a professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota, pioneered the discernment counseling model in 2008. He worked closely with a group of divorce lawyers and a family court judge to better understand the dynamics of divorce. Doherty was working with couples who needed to reach a common space when one partner was thinking divorce or separation was the way to go, and one was leaning towards making things work. The group of attorneys Doherty partnered with felt that a good number of their clients were in need of this option and would be willing to try it before filing for divorce.
The Benefits of Discernment Counseling for Couples Considering Divorce
Discernment counseling for couples considering divorce differs from traditional therapy in that it is a short term highly focused type of counseling. It generally lasts from one to five sessions. and involves an extensive evaluation and very in-depth conversations as to whether or not to pursue divorce. A counselor, who is a marriage and family therapist, will work with the couple to evaluate their relationship. The counselor obviously plays a vital role and provides a supportive, neutral environment so that the two partners can feel free to have an open discussion of their fears, concerns and hopes for the future.
Discernment counseling uses several techniques to help a couple gain clarity about their marriage. The first step is when the therapist meets with each partner individually to have a conversation. The purpose of these individual conversations is to help each person understand their role in why the marriage is suffering. The goal is to help each person to assess their commitment to the relationship and their willingness to adjust or change their own behaviors.
It is to help each individual understand their role and not to solely expect the other partner to make changes. By identifying their own unhealthy patterns within the relationship, it will help each partner to be more self-aware and more accountable for their role, and to help develop constructive, not destructive tactics during the conflicts.
How Discernment Counseling for Couples Considering Divorce Works
The next step is when the therapist offers relationship assignments. These assignments vary and can be as simple as communication building exercises or as elaborate as attending a couples retreat. Again, the purpose of these assignments is to help the couple determine the outcome of their relationship.
If the couple decides divorce is the best option, the counselor can help develop a plan as to how the two partners are going to cooperate during the divorce or dissolution process, and to help them prioritize their issues. If they decide to work on the marriage, the therapist can help them focus on the changes they each need to make their marriage work.
Discernment counseling for couples considering divorce can prove very beneficial for couples to reach an agreement when they are on opposite ends of saving the marriage or not. It provides an open forum for discussion and helps each partner to see how they are or are not positively contributing to the relationship. When a couple does decide that divorce is the best option, it can be beneficial for healthy co-parenting as well as when entering into a new relationship. Basically, it helps each partner develop a greater understanding of themselves and having healthier relationships.
Finding a Therapist for Discernment Counseling for Couples Considering Divorce
There are times discernment counseling is not appropriate. In cases of domestic violence, child abuse, or suicidal thoughts by one partner, safety becomes the highest of priorities and demands a higher level of care. Also, it is not appropriate if one partner has already decided they definitely want out and are not willing to explore any other options. For discernment counseling to be appropriate, both parties need to engage in the process with an open mind.
There are many excellent resources available online to learn more about this form of counseling. Click here to read more about many of the benefits in terms of reaching the best decision about staying married as well as benefiting your post-divorce relationship with your Ex.
One of the findings of the study was that:
“Discernment counseling can lead to better healing after divorce for all parties involved…[and] can lead to better choices about both ending the marriage and moving ahead as parents…[and] can diminish the kind of anxious attachment that keeps ex‐spouses preoccupied with one another.”
There are some statistics that seem to indicate that about 60% of the couples who enter into discernment counseling decide to terminate their marriage. Afterwards, 40% generally enter into a plan generally for around a 6 month period to make an all-out-effort to rehabilitate their relationship. Typically, they develop a plan to: discontinue talking about divorcing, treat each other with respect, and work in therapy as a couple and individually to determine whether the relationship can improve. Click here if you want to read more about discernment counseling plans and including the above statistics.
If you think discernment counseling for couples considering divorce is right for you, search for a good marriage and family therapist who does discernment counseling. Approach therapy in good faith, with an open mind and be honest about your feelings. Be prepared to have difficult discussions about sensitive topics. While relationship problems can be stressful and difficult, they can also be a time of growth, change, and self-reflection. Discernment counseling might well be an excellent option worth pursuing to help you and partner have a greater understanding of what happiness looks like for you both.
Experienced, Trusted and Professional Dayton Divorce Lawyers
Our experienced Dayton divorce lawyers at Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight & Mues can assist you with your divorce, custody, or parenting proceeding. To learn more, please go to our website at www.hcmmlaw.com or call us at 937 293-2141. We can schedule an in-person conference or one by phone or Zoom. We look forward to assisting you!
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Attorney Robert “Chip” Mues has been focusing his legal practice throughout Southwest Ohio primarily in divorce and family law matters since 1978. Chip is passionate about family law and has proudly published the Ohio Family Law Blog since 2007. In addition, he is the managing partner of Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight & Mues. To learn more about him or the law firm, visit the firm’s website at www.hcmmlaw.com. Appointments are available in person, over the phone or by Zoom. Call us at 937 293-2141.
