If You are Ending Your Marriage and have Children, why a Collaborative Divorce Might Be the Best Route to Go!

If you are ending your marriage and have children, a collaborative divorce with children may be the best way to minimize stress and conflict

Terminating a marriage is always difficult from many perspectives. The typical notion of “winning” the battle deserves reflection. What is the real end goal? Is it to end up with more of the assets? Is it, paying less spousal support or child support? Or is it to arrive at a “fair” result while trying your best to maintain healthy relationships on your family members while reducing emotional stress all around? “Uncoupling” is never easy. Research shows that it can be especially difficult for children. This is why many parents are turning to a collaborative divorce with children, as it prioritizes their well-being while minimizing conflict.

As a result of my 40+ years of practicing divorce litigation, I would submit that utilizing a more collaborative approach to unwinding a marriage can greatly improve the emotional health of the parties, especially when kids are involved.

Strips Away Control

A more traditional divorce proceeding, involving litigation and the ensuing battles inherent in that process, strips control away from both parties. In the adversarial nature of Court divorces, you lose control to share your opinions and feelings with the other party, the ability to resolve simple conflicts, and explain your side of the story. In traditional divorce proceedings, you also lose control of creating an outcome. Outcomes created by judges have the potential to leave both parties unsatisfied and resentful of each other. When you are not in control, a divorce often turns into a game of blame which pits one spouse against the other.

If you can keep control of the process and agenda, you can emphasize what is most important, which if you have children should be them! In a collaborative divorce with children, you can help structure the entire process which reduces the chances of resentment that affects the relationship between your spouse and your children moving forward. The best way to avoid losing control is to attempt the collaborative divorce process where you are heard and are moving forward toward a common goal rather than be part of a “rock fight” involving lawyers and both spouses!

How a Collaborative Divorce with Children sees a Decrease in Conflict

A collaborative divorce can greatly help reduce the high stress often accompanying a divorce. Like the idea of keeping control, reducing conflict is extremely important in trying to foster a strong familial bond. There is evidence that the most negative effects upon children are because of divorce occur or worsened by a high-conflict divorce proceeding. If a child sees high amounts of conflict and outward animosity between the parents, they will likely have a higher chance of needing mental health counseling, and according to some studies. becoming divorced themselves. Do you want your children to learn first-hand from you how to use “conflict” as a weapon?

How Collaborative Divorce with Children Affects Their Well-being

It is impossible to avoid all the negative effects of divorce on children, but there is evidence that many of those effects are reduced or avoided entirely when people work together collaboratively when uncoupling. If the uncoupling is performed in this positive way, it may even end up having positive effects upon children as they grow older. It can help them create positive conflict-resolution skills, teach them how to react in high-stress situations and help create healthy coping mechanisms as well as to develop better communication skills.

Collaboratively working through a divorce also helps to maintain familial relationships, sets examples of healthy relationships, and increases positive communication. Using a collaborative divorce approach does not pit people against each other and discourages trying to prove that each was right, and the other spouse was bad or wrong. Children being dragged through normal divorce litigation often become cloistered and grow separated from other siblings and extended family, a more collaborative approach allows both sides of the family to grow.

If you can use healthy conflict resolution and treat the other side with respect you are providing a very positive example to your children. This will help them to learn pragmatic skills to continue to carry on throughout life and help them to be better adjusted. Of course, never say derogatory comments about the other parent. The ending of your marriage can actually be a teaching tool for your children. It can help them to find a healthy way to resolve conflicts.

Conclusion

A collaborative divorce does not prevent or eliminate all of the negative aspects of a separation, but it can significantly lessen the negative effects on children. A collaborative divorce is a way to maintain control and emphasize the most important thing to you in a way that is less stressful and reduces conflict. If you are considering divorce, take a step back and put in the time to learn more about the collaborative divorce process. A collaborative divorce with children may be the best choice.

Experienced, Trusted and Professional Dayton Family Law Lawyers

Our experienced Dayton family law lawyers at MUESLAW can assist you with your dissolution or marriage “uncoupling” related issues. To learn more, please go to our website at www.MuesLaw.com or call us at (937) 293-2141. We can schedule an in-person conference or one by phone or Zoom. We look forward to assisting you!

PUBLISHER’S NOTE:

I want to thank Tucker Smith, a second-year student at the University of Dayton School of Law, for assisting with this article. Tucker is continuing his clerking with MuesLaw this semester. You will be reading more from him in the weeks to come! Well done Tucker!

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