Marriage Advice for Brides – Plan Ahead!

Practical Tips To Protect Yourself If Marriage Ends In Divorce

marriageIn the season of weddings, it occurs to me that while many of us received  advice when we got married, most of it was about how to keep the relationship vibrant  (never go to bed angry) or (in my generation) how to keep your man happy (“ a way to man’s heart is through his stomach”).

While we still love the romance of weddings and marriage and hope for happily ever after, we also cannot ignore the reality that approximately 50% of all marriages end in divorce. And while NO one walks down the aisle thinking well, if this doesn’t work, I will just get a divorce, there are some important issues for a young woman to keep in mind as she makes this life-changing decision. Because, as we all know, S…T Happens.

Put your heart and soul into your marriage, work to be loving and understanding and listen well, never take each other for granted and treat each other with respect; but since there are no guarantees, make sure you take care of yourself. Your marriage may not end in divorce – sometimes someone dies – even at a … Read More... “Marriage Advice for Brides – Plan Ahead!”

Dating in Midlife: Do You Need Your Children’s Approval?

dating in midlifeThe doorbell rings as you adjust your make-up one more time and pray that you won’t trip in your new platform sandals. You shake your head and think, “I haven’t dated in decades. What am I doing?” You take a deep breath and open the door to your date.

There is more than a 50% chance that American adults will find themselves dating in midlife. Statistics tell us that the happily ever after marriage is not always forever. Many will face divorce and some find themselves widowed. These folks grieve, they heal and then many say, “Now what?”. They enjoyed being part of a couple and find (sometimes to their own surprise) they want to do it all again.

Dating after marriage feels far more complicated. Aside from a myriad of emotional and practical issues you deal with as you consider entering the dating world, there are the issues facing your children.

Allowing your children time to adjust to the divorce/death before bringing a new person into their lives is important regardless of how old they are. While you may be thrilled that your grieving period is over, your children will most likely take longer in their grieving process. … Read More... “Dating in Midlife: Do You Need Your Children’s Approval?”

Summer Vacations and the Divorced Family

Divorced Family During Summer Vacations? How To Get through The Downtime

summer vacations divorced family“As I watched my children wait at the window for their father to arrive, I couldn’t believe the flood of feelings I experienced,” Julie, thirty-eight, a divorced mother of two boys, seven and nine, explained. “Their father is taking them to New York with his girlfriend. Her parents own a large summer house in the Adirondacks. She has six brothers and sisters, all married with children. They are all coming this week for a family reunion.”

“As an only child raised in a large city, I never had this kind of experience. I am excited for my children that they can have all these new people in their lives. They will get the experience of a large family. I find myself wishing that I could give them such an experience. I wonder if they will love this new family more than they love me. Of course, I know this is not the case. But sometimes, I feel so insecure.”

“I guess I am also envious of their experience. In some ways, I wish I were going, too. Not to be with my ex-husband, but to have this wonderful family … Read More... “Summer Vacations and the Divorced Family”

Divorce – Tips on Dividing Your Stuff!

How To Divide Your Marital Property During The Process Of Divorce

divorceA Divorce is not a single event, but a series of losses, changes and transitions. There are many watershed moments in the process of dissolving a marriage. One that seems overlooked for its emotional impact is the division of the martial property.

It is easy to say, “It’s just stuff, it can be replaced”, but the accumulation of furniture, objects and even chintzy doodads of no “real value” are keepers of the couple’s stories. As the years go on, we amass possessions that hold memories and are the tangible evidence of the milestones and celebrations of the relationship. Our stuff holds our history.

There is that collection of shot glasses representing the states you visited on that cross country trip as newlyweds. There is the writing desk his grandfather made, given to both of you as you celebrated a marital milestone. There is that crazy abstract painting you bought years ago which cost you more than you could afford, but simply could not live without. There is that first piece of “good” furniture you splurged on. There are collections of books, music and, of course, photographs. All of these … Read More... “Divorce – Tips on Dividing Your Stuff!”

Divorce: Welcome to the Roller Coaster!

How To Ride Out The Roller Coaster Of Emotions During The Pain Of Divorce

divorce

Nothing toys with our emotions like the break-up of a relationship. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes the six stages of grief as:

  1. Shock
  2. Denial
  3. Bargaining
  4. Anger
  5. Sadness
  6. Acceptance

When one is going through divorce, add another feeling: FEAR.   During divorce, it is possible to feel all of these things at the same time. This deluge of emotions can complicate how the person sees, thinks and feels about the issues thus distorting their perspective when faced with a mountain of decisions.

In contrast to the above list, here are a few more (sometimes surprising) feelings people going through divorce may experience:

  • Relief
  • Joy
  • Empowerment
  • Exhilaration
  • Freedom

“Am I going crazy? How can I feel all these things, many of them conflicting at the same time?” divorcing clients often ask. No, you are not going crazy. You are going through transition. Your life is changing. A transformation is occurring. These feelings are normal.

Your feelings will change frequently, sometimes in a day, sometimes in a matter of minutes. Think of the process as a roller coaster of emotions that starts out with really, really deep lows and hardly any … Read More... “Divorce: Welcome to the Roller Coaster!”

Twelve Step Programs – Debunking the Myths

Exposing The Eight Most Common Arguments For Not Attending Twelve Step Programs

Twelve Step ProgramsAs an alcohol and drug abuse counselor, I work with many people who are struggling with addiction or substance abuse. Whether you are the one struggling or you have a loved one who is battling the disease, I always recommend a Twelve Step Program. Unfortunately, I am almost always met with resistance. Much of that resistance comes from misconceptions about what Twelve Step Programs are all about, so I will address some of the biggest myths here. These are the eight most common arguments I hear for not attending Twelve Step meetings. (For brevity and clarity, I am using the terms alcoholic and addict interchangeably. When I use the terms “alcohol” or “drugs”, you can substitute any addiction- including gambling. pornography, prescription or illicit drugs.)

  1. Twelve Step Programs are a cult or religion. I know this because they all meet in churches and are very secretive.

    False. Twelve Step Programs meet in other places besides churches. They look for inexpensive or free space to hold their meetings. They have no religious affiliation. There is no “secrecy” but rather anonymity. Many feel embarrassed or shameful because of the behavior

… Read More... “Twelve Step Programs – Debunking the Myths”

Thanksgiving Anxiety? Don’t Let Divorce Ruin Your Thanksgiving Day!

Tips On How To Make Thanksgiving Day Work For You After Divorce

thanksgivingThanksgiving marks the official beginning of the holiday season. Although usually less fraught with anxiety than Christmas, if it is the first “big holiday” since your estrangement from your spouse, you may be dreading the day. It also may be your first holiday without your children.

Going through a divorce can give you the perfect “excuse” to break with tradition and forget your own way of celebrating. Spending the holiday at home by yourself watching videos and eating Chinese take-out (yes, they are open on Thanksgiving) may be just what you need to do!

Or, here is what Evelyn did; she prepared a complete Thanksgiving dinner for herself of her favorite foods. She set the table with linen and candles and put on music she liked. Then she enjoyed the day celebrating by herself.

Divorce gives you the opportunity to listen to what you want and what works for you. It can be a time of loss of traditions, but it also can signal liberation from those traditions, rituals, and obligations that no longer have meaning for you.

If you decide to spend the holiday alone, some … Read More... “Thanksgiving Anxiety? Don’t Let Divorce Ruin Your Thanksgiving Day!”

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