Unexpected Benefits of Tough Times in Childhood

Unexpected Benefits of Tough Times in Childhood

childhood tough timesA man in his late 30s stopped by my office unexpectedly and asked me the most terrifying question you can ask a child psychologist, “Do you remember me?”

I looked at his face and quickly tried to imagine what he looked like as a child. He finally gave me his name, and I remembered him immediately. As a young boy, he had a horrendous childhood, growing up in multiple foster homes. However, he came by to tell me how well he was doing, both professionally and personally.

I fear he is an exception. Adverse childhood experiences resonate throughout a person’s life, placing kids at risk for a variety of physical and mental problems. Hundreds of studies conducted over the past 40 years have come to the same conclusions. Bad childhoods have long-term effects.

While we’ve extensively studied the negative impact of early childhood stress, might those same bad events have some positive consequences? I’ve just read a fascinating article by Megan Hustad in Psychology Today on the “Surprising Benefits for Those Who Had Tough Childhoods.” Hustad argues that there are an increasing number of studies that have discovered that bad times have positive effects on some kids.

Youngsters … Read More... “Unexpected Benefits of Tough Times in Childhood”

Why are Kids so Afraid of Being Real with their Parents?

daughter and mother laughing

kids afraid parents realSomething I say to kids typically strikes terror in their hearts—“maybe that’s something you should discuss with your mom and dad.” My advice is often met with fear and rejection.

Within the emotional security of my office, children learn to trust and reveal what they are really thinking and feeling. They don’t have to worry about being punished or hurting my feelings.

They freely talk about their perceptions of not being good enough to live up to the expectations of their parents.  Others discuss their resentment towards siblings or intense feelings of loneliness.  Kids are acutely aware of marital problems, and they share the terrible anxiety of wondering if and when their parents will separate.

Adolescents typically discuss their fears about fitting in and figuring out relationships. Self-doubts overwhelm them, even if they appear well-adjusted and confident. Their outer persona rarely matches their inner life.

I’m glad that these kids feel safe to discuss such issues in therapy, but my job is to make myself unnecessary. I coach kids how to get support from others rather than to develop a dependency on a therapist.

Why are kids so afraid of being real with their parents?

  1. My parents won’t understand.  Many
Read More... “Why are Kids so Afraid of Being Real with their Parents?”

Blast From The Past: Preventing a Parentectomy After Divorce

Blast from the past 13 years Ohio Family Law Blog

How To Prevent A Parentectomy After Divorce

PUBLISHER’S UPDATE:
Here is one of my favorites posts from back on June 27, 2009! The advice rings as true now as it did then…We have a ton of interesting articles in our archives of the Ohio Family Law Blog. Use our Search tool and enjoy a few oldie but goodies!

Parentectomy DivorceOne of the most interesting and well written pieces that I have read in a long time is a keynote address presented by Dr. Frank S. Williams to the National Council for Children’s Rights in Washington D.C. on October 20, 1990. Dr. Williams is a noted child psychiatrist and the Director of Family and Child Psychiatry at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. While this presentation was almost 19 years ago, Dr. Williams’ sage advice is no less relevant now than it ever was!

During my 31-year law career, I have focused a large part of my efforts both professionally and as a member of various community organizations and non-profit Boards towards diverse child-welfare related causes. So with that stated background, I whole-heartedly encourage everyone to read Dr. Williams’ presentation in full, by clicking here.

I will attempt to capsulate some … Read More... “Blast From The Past: Preventing a Parentectomy After Divorce”

3 Ways to Raise Empathetic Children

empathetic childrenIt seems as though many discussions with our kids or friends morph into mindless debates rather than genuine conversations. The goal is to win an argument rather than to understand another’s viewpoint.

This has been evident within the political arena. Moderation and compromise have become synonymous with selling out or giving in. We pay a high cost for this extremism — the loss of empathy.

Relationships are based on understanding another’s viewpoint. This means listening carefully and striving to appreciate another’s thoughts and feelings without inserting our perspective. During my graduate studies, a professor told me that establishing empathy with our patients is the most difficult skill psychologists had to learn. She was right.

It’s hard to listen. Many kids and their parents express outrageous thoughts and feelings that seem so misguided, illogical, and just plain wrong. Even so, I can’t begin to influence families in a positive direction until I emotionally and intellectually understand their worlds.

Empathy doesn’t mean condoning or agreeing with another. When kids tell me their parents hate them, I don’t agree with their feelings. I simply try to understand the basis of their emotions.

Marriage relationships often fail because one or both partners lack the … Read More... “3 Ways to Raise Empathetic Children”

Three Ways to Use Regret

regretJessica regretted wasting her entire life. She had a horrible relationship with her two wonderful parents. She had done poorly in high school, and now had few skills to get a meaningful job. She had been in a myriad of poor relationships with guys, leaving her feeling used and worthless.

Regret is a powerful and potentially destructive emotion, particularly coming from a 17-year-old.

I tell kids that their emotions are messages. They are not good or bad, although they can leave us with feelings ranging from delight to depression. They are to be carefully considered and deciphered, but you need to be careful not to let negative feelings inhabit your soul.

Regret can be a particularly heartbreaking emotion. The challenge is to understand your feelings in such a way so as to empower you to act, rather than respond with despondency.

Many parents voice regrets when talking about their adult children. They wonder what they might have done differently to have avoided raising unhappy and disturbed young adults. Maybe they should have given their kids more attention, or maybe less attention. Perhaps they were too lenient, or too strict. If only they hadn’t moved around so often. If only they … Read More... “Three Ways to Use Regret”

REVIEW OF RUNAWAY HUSBANDS – The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal Written by Vikki Stark

runaway husbands abandoned wifeThe author of the book, Vikki Stark, graphically describes her feelings and emotions as her Husband tells her “it’s over”, i.e. “the marriage is over”, after she had returned from a book tour about her most recent book, My Sister, Myself, in 2006. At the time, the author had a twenty-one (21) year marriage, which she thought was a successful one. She felt loved and blessed to have a happy and fulfilling marriage. She was shocked to learn that her Husband had been engaged in a six (6) year extra-marital relationship. He was leaving her for the “other woman”! She did not know that the “other woman” existed!

Vikki Stark is a marriage counselor and family therapist. She immediately commenced a project of interviewing over four hundred persons (in person and by internet interview) to collect information about the phenomenon that she labels “Wife Abandonment Syndrome”, aka “WAS”. The definition of Wife Abandonment Syndrome is as follows: “a pattern of behavior that begins when a Husband leaves his Wife “out-of-the-blue” without ever telling her that he was unhappy or thinking of leaving.” Ms. Stark used the information that she was provided during the interviews to write her most interesting book.… Read More... “REVIEW OF RUNAWAY HUSBANDS – The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal Written by Vikki Stark”

Divorce Book Review: DIVORCE: How to Tell The Kids: A Parent’s Guide to Breaking the News Without Breaking Their Hearts

Author Vikki Stark Conducts Over 100 Interviews With Children For New Book About Separation And Divorce

divorce children separationVikki Stark, a divorce recovery specialist and a family therapist for over thirty (30) years, published this book in 2015. Her stated purpose in writing the book was to make the “telling” to the children of the news that a family was going to be separating as non-traumatic as possible. To research this subject area, the author conducted over one hundred (100) interviews with children and with adults who were children when their parents separated and divorced. She also interviewed parents who had already done the “telling” to their children to learn about their positive and negative experiences in doing so. Finally, she read and researched many articles written by other professionals in the same field.

The main points from Chapter 1, A Bridge to Your Next Life, are as follows:

  1. You cannot avoid the anger or sorrow that your children may feel; but you can learn skills to reduce the trauma.
  2. You must become “attuned” to your children’s emotions. Attunement means listening carefully to what they are saying, acknowledging and accepting their feelings.
  3. Hearing or reading the actual words of children who have
Read More... “Divorce Book Review: DIVORCE: How to Tell The Kids: A Parent’s Guide to Breaking the News Without Breaking Their Hearts”
Page 3 of 7
1 2 3 4 5 7