Help Kids Make Sense Of A World Where Events Appear Unfair And Illogical

How We Can Help Kids Make Sense of Life’s Injustices Using Advice From A Dayton, Ohio Child Psychologist

help kids“Why did God take mommy to heaven?” asked Haley about the death of her mother due to a drug overdose.

Her dad said that God needed mom in heaven to help him, and that Haley should feel happy that God chose mom. That didn’t make much sense to this young child, so she began asking other people for their opinions.

I know what I was expected to tell her, but being asked questions without answers still leaves me uncomfortable.

Like the rest of us, Haley was trying to make some sense of a world where events often appear unfair, capricious and illogical. Similar questions come up frequently with kids during therapy.

“Why did my parents get a divorce?” “Why did my uncle abuse me?” “Why do other kids make fun of me?” “Why did I get cancer?”

We all adopt some view of the world that allows us to function in spite of life’s many apparent injustices and erratic events.

We may develop faith in an all-knowing God, and trust that the world is developing according to some divine plan.

Others affirm … Read More... “Help Kids Make Sense Of A World Where Events Appear Unfair And Illogical”

Homeschooling and Child Protection

homeschoolingWe want to thank Daniel Pollack, a professor at Yeshiva University’s School of Social Work in New York City and a frequent expert witness in child welfare cases for sending an article he published “Homeschooling and Child Protection”, Policy & Practice (Feb. 2012). The issue that he wrote about is an important one in the child welfare world and one that has hit home in real life recently in Dayton, Ohio. We have adapted this blog article in large part from Professor Pollack’s article.

Homeschooling: What is it and why does it exist?

Homeschooling, defined as “parent-directed education that meets the requirements for regular school attendance,” has become much more common in the United States. As of 2007, there were more than 1.5 million students being homeschooled in the United States. When parents of homeschoolers are asked why they chose to homeschool their children, the most popular answers were concern about the school environment, desire to provide religious and moral training, and dissatisfaction with the academic instruction available at their schools. As it is becoming more popular, each state has regulated the practice of homeschooling, making rules and requirements to which parents must strictly adhere.

Homeschooling: The

… Read More... “Homeschooling and Child Protection”

Cohabitation: The Greatest Threat to Your Children’s Future

cohabitation_greatest_threat _childrens_future.jpgThink about this statement: “The rise of cohabitating households with children (where parents aren’t married, just living together) is the largest unrecognized threat to the quality and stability of children’s lives in today’s families.”  That’s pretty strong stuff, but it’s exactly what a new research study concludes.  While divorce has been the leading cause of the breakdown of the family and marriage for the last 40 years, the study shows that divorce is no longer the leading cause.  The study shows that cohabitation is now the greatest threat to the welfare of children in the United States!

The August 2011 study was sponsored by the Center on Children and Families at Brookings and is entitled “The Marginalization of Marriage in Middle America”. It was written jointly by two family scholars, one a conservative (W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project) and one a liberal (Andrew J. Cherlin, professor at John Hopkins University).

The study found the following: in affluent neighborhoods where many college-educated Americans live, marriage is alive and well and divorce has declined to levels not seen since the “divorce revolution” of the 1960’s.  In contrast, marriage and family stability have both been in decline in the … Read More... “Cohabitation: The Greatest Threat to Your Children’s Future”

Do Challenging Children Cause a Bad Marriage?

challenging_children.jpgResearch published last month in Child Trends reported that happy marriages generally result in happy children. I was asked by a reader if children with any type of physical, emotional or developmental problems cause unhappy marriages.

Research has focused on parents raising children with such problems as Attention Deficit Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder and similar types of disabilities. The research findings have been ambiguous, with some studies finding a higher rate of divorce among such parents, and with others documenting no real differences. However, it’s clear that raising a special-needs child can result in a severe strain on a marriage. Here’s how successful marriages navigate these problems.

  1. Put your marriage first. A child with any type of disability demands more time and attention than other children. Good parents naturally want to meet those special needs, but that may result in neglecting your spouse. Healthy relationships take time and work, so it takes an extra effort by both spouses to be attentive to the needs of their marriage partner.
  2. Create a “no talk about children” zone. I recently learned about this technique from one of my clients. She found that virtually every conversation with her spouse revolved around some issue with
… Read More... “Do Challenging Children Cause a Bad Marriage?”

8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Children…

8things.jpgIn the midst of an intense discussion or at the end of a difficult day, we don’t always say the right things to our children. But what we say can make a big impact, good or bad.

Here’s a list of things you should never say to your kids:

“I know exactly how you feel.” This is a real turn-off for kids. You can’t be sure you really know their feelings, and it comes across as dismissive. Instead, reflect back what you think your child may be experiencing. “You seem disappointed that you didn’t make the basketball team.”

“The pilot won’t let you off this plane unless you stop crying.” I heard a frustrated dad say this to his young son on a long plane trip. The rule is simple. Never threaten what you are unable or unwilling to deliver.

“You are too young to understand.” This is one of the most condescending things that parents say to kids, particularly to preteens. Instead of denying information to kids, answer their questions in a way that is consistent with their level of understanding. This doesn’t mean that kids are entitled to always have their questions answered. For example, you have every … Read More... “8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Children…”

Caregiver Liability: When Kids Run from Foster Care

runaway.jpgThe National Runaway Switchboard reports that between 1.6 and 2.8 million youth run away each year. It also reports that there has been “a significant increase in the number of crisis calls identifying abuse or neglect as a reason for the call, with abuse calls up 33 percent and neglect calls up 54 percent between 2005-2008″ (National Runaway Switchboard Crisis Caller Trends, 2009, p. 2).

Youth in out-of-home care often choose conduct that does not ensure their own safety. They elope from foster homes, group homes, or other residential settings at an unknown rate. When children are known risks for eloping a court may find that it is the legal duty of the caregiver to take all prudent means to take appropriate preventative measures.

Instinctively, we are aware of the links between youths running away in general and youths eloping from out-of-home care. Social science research has made significant progress in describing runaway youth in general (Martinez, 2006; Sanchez, Waller, & Greene, 2006), but has made minimal inroads in accurately describing the phenomenon of youth eloping from out-of-home care.  Similarly, while federal laws and conventions exist to address runaways and missing children, scant legislative attention has been paid … Read More... “Caregiver Liability: When Kids Run from Foster Care”

Child Abuse Investigations: Good, Bad or Ugly?

abusepre.jpgMost of us are familiar with Child Protective Services, or CPS.  CPS, or an agency with a similar name, is the agency in each state that has assumed the task of protecting our kids from abuse or neglect by adults, especially their own parents. A recent study explained in the October 2010 issue of Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine suggests that child abuse investigations do not significantly reduce risk for future violence or abuse.  In fact, the study links investigations to increased depression in mothers.  The results have given ammunition to many who had already been calling for a drastic scaling back of CPS and the many millions of dollars that Congress and state legislatures annually direct towards CPS.

Congress passed the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act in 1974 because of concerns about battered children.  That Act was also designed to encourage more thorough and accurate reporting and record-keeping in child abuse cases.  These days, the role of CPS has grown and evolved.  In 2007 alone, CPS nationally investigated more than three million cases of suspected child abuse.  Today, CPS also enjoys almost unlimited investigative and search and seizure powers, much greater than that of police, that can … Read More... “Child Abuse Investigations: Good, Bad or Ugly?”

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