Confirmation Bias Stirs Danger within Families

Why Confirmation Bias Can Damage Families And Finding Ways To Combat It

confirmation biasA friend of mine remarked that he gets his news from only one network because “they report things that support what I believe.”

Psychologists call this “confirmation bias,” the tendency to selectively pay attention to information that reinforces our existing beliefs. This bias acts as a type of filter to our brain, denying entry to any information that contradicts our existing preconceptions.

This confirmation bias can be particularly damaging within families, and it plays itself out in a variety of ways.

Scapegoated kids. Some youngsters take a path different than their siblings. In so doing, they experience the risk of being the victims of confirmation bias. This occurs most frequently with children, typically a second or third born, who do not achieve academically or socially as well as their siblings.

On many occasions, parents’ views of their “troubled” children don’t allow them to notice the many positive achievements of their youngsters. I’ve given homework assignments that required parents to record only positive behaviors exhibited by these kids.

When forced to confront their confirmation bias, parents are surprised that even troubled youngsters are often kind, well-behaved … Read More... “Confirmation Bias Stirs Danger within Families”

Raising Mentally and Emotionally Tough Kids

tough kidsIf you want your children to be successful, raise them to be emotionally and mentally tough.

Tough people don’t get upset easily. They are resilient in the face of adversity. They are great problem solvers, focusing on ways to deal with problems rather than complaining about things they can’t control.

These types of people don’t deny their emotions, but they don’t allow themselves to be victimized by their feelings. They get angry, depressed and anxious like the rest of us. However, their mental guidepost is a motto used by the Navy Seals. They are comfortable being uncomfortable.

They view unpleasant feelings or bad events as messages to be understood and acted upon. Their behaviors are deliberate, with an emphasis on what they can do differently rather than on what others should be doing.

Many kids that I see in my office complain about stressful events that are not problems to mentally and emotionally tough kids. The level of stress hasn’t increased with our kids over the years. Rather, more kids seem emotionally weak and unprepared to deal with life’s challenges.

Here’s how you can raise tough kids.

  1. Develop a tough mental mindset. This toughness starts with the way we think
… Read More... “Raising Mentally and Emotionally Tough Kids”

Uncoupling and Divorce

What is Uncoupling and How Does It Relate To Or Not Relate To Divorce?

uncoupling divorceA few years ago when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced they were “consciously uncoupling”, many rolled their eyes at what felt like pretentious language.

While “uncoupling” sounds a little strange, in truth, it may be a more precise way to describe the demise of a marriage and the subsequent unraveling of intertwined lives, then just saying “we are getting divorced.” Divorce is a legal process that culminates with a bang of a gavel. Uncoupling is the emotional process of ending the marital/romantic relationship. It extends far beyond mere legalities.

Unlike divorce that clearly defines the practical division of financial assets and legal responsibilities, uncoupling rarely has clear boundaries or a definite end. Especially when there are children; the relationship doesn’t end so much as morph into another kind of relationship.

Do not assume “Relationship” always refers to one of civility; while that is the ideal, in truth many couples continue their post marital relationship by bickering, fighting and power struggles. These adversarial marriages, while legally over, are not really uncoupled; there is simply too much energy (albeit negative energy) that goes into keeping a … Read More... “Uncoupling and Divorce”

Divorce: Summer Holidays for Those Newly Divorced

The Struggle Of Divorce During the Summer Holidays – How To Juggle The Roles And Responsibilities In Your Life

divorce summer holidaysMemorial Day, Labor Day and 4th of July are holidays that celebrate different aspects of American culture. Memorial Day honors those who fought to defend our principles and ideals, Labor Day honors our work ethic, and 4th of July honors our fight for independence. We don’t consider them “big holidays.” They are, for most of us, times to be outdoors, watch some fireworks, and eat lots of good food. They also give us an extended weekend.

For a newly divorced person, however, these holidays can take on great significance. You, too, have been fighting for your principles, working hard, and struggling with your newfound independence. No three holidays in our calendar reflect your struggle as these three do. Since we do not have a specific holiday that honors those who have been through the struggle of divorce, adopt these as your three days. Memorial Day honors your fight to preserve your ideals and principles. Labor Day represents your struggle to juggle all the roles and responsibilities in your life, and the 4th of July, like divorce, is about freedom and … Read More... “Divorce: Summer Holidays for Those Newly Divorced”

Regrets

Should We Try To Avoid Regret?

How Accepting Some Sense Of Regret Will Be A Part Of Every Decision We Will Make

regret divorceA few months ago when I read the novel The Invention of Wings by Sue Monk Kidd, I had no idea that it would include a sentiment that was so wise that I would be inspired to share it.  The main character in the book is struggling with a decision that will impact her for the rest of her life. “Choose the regret you can most live with” is the powerful advice she receives.

Those of you who have been in the office recently may have heard me quote this. In the often gut wrenching world of making tough decisions, this one simple line offers good counsel as often there is no easy, clear resolution.

As much as I valued this sentiment, I was having trouble writing about it in a way that seemed as if it would have meaning. I took a couple of shots from different angles and then moved it to the folder of unfinished blogs.

Then of course, the answer came.

Many of you know about my border collie who has been with me … Read More... “Regrets”

Narcissism: Is it all about you?

Rates of Narcissism Increasing With College Kids and Children

narcissism childrenI grew up during a time when my generation was encouraged to “do your own thing.” I wonder if we’ve taken that advice to the extreme.

Lots of different trends support the view that we’ve become incredibly self-absorbed, with a focus on what we want rather than on a concern for others. Status, power and physical attributes seem to be of highest priority.

Academic researchers have documented increasing rates of narcissism among college kids and an inflated sense of self-worth among children in general. Cosmetic surgery for kids has become increasingly commonplace. Appearances are more important than substance.

Parents are more likely to select unique rather than common names for their children. They want their children to stand out rather than fit in.

In a review of over 800,000 books published in the past 50 years, the use of first-person pronouns (I, me) increased 42 percent. It’s all about me.

Social media sites are used to document the most mundane of activities. Why do people feel compelled to let others know that they made cookies or went shopping at the mall?

Is there anything wrong with this trend of focusing … Read More... “Narcissism: Is it all about you?”

3 Ways to Save a Bad Marriage

marriageYou got married hoping for a soul mate, but ended up in a relationship that feels like a roommate.

You know that marriages are never perfect. You expect occasional disagreements and a certain boredom that comes after a while from living together.

The experts say that a good marriage partner does four things very well:  communicates, resolves problems, builds trust, and does nice things for their spouse. You rarely have those experiences with your partner.

You think about divorce, but you’re scared.  You tolerate a known meaningless marriage to avoid an unknown future. Maybe this is as good it gets, and you should lower your expectations and be grateful for what you have.

What should you do?

  1. Begin with you. Before you demonize your partner, reflect upon your own behaviors. Are you happy with yourself? Do you act in ways that are caring, enthusiastic, and positive?  Are you the type of person that others enjoy being around?  Do others trust you and view you as a valued friend?Bad marriages are rarely the responsibility of only one partner. What happens over time is that a spouse develops negative habits in response to the behavior of the other. This is the “I
… Read More... “3 Ways to Save a Bad Marriage”
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