Emotional Health Archives - Page 12 of 22

3 Ways to Save a Bad Marriage

marriage You got married hoping for a soul mate, but ended up in a relationship that feels like a roommate.

You know that marriages are never perfect. You expect occasional disagreements and a certain boredom that comes after a while from living together.

The experts say that a good marriage partner does four things very well: communicates, resolves problems, builds trust, and does nice things for their spouse. You rarely have those experiences with your partner.

You think about divorce, but you’re scared. You tolerate a known meaningless marriage to avoid an unknown future. Maybe this is as good it gets, and you should lower your expectations and be grateful for what you have.

What should you do?

Begin with you. Before you demonize your partner, reflect upon your own behaviors. Are you happy with yourself? Do you act in ways that are caring, enthusiastic, and positive? Are you the type of person that others enjoy being around? Do others trust you and view you as a valued friend?Bad marriages are rarely the responsibility of only one partner. What happens over time is that a spouse develops negative habits in response to the behavior of the other. This is the “I

5 Steps Toward Connecting with your Kids

connecting kids steps Why should I rush home to have dinner with my kids when my efforts to talk with them are met with silence and indifference that borders on contempt?,” asked a dad at a recent workshop.

Many parents voiced similar concerns but quickly justified their adolescents’ misbehavior with “that’s typical of the teenage years.”

The fact that something may be common doesn’t make it right or an inevitable stage of growing up. Lots of parents raise teens who are communicative and emotionally engaged with their families, not sullen and disrespectful.

Discuss the issue directly. Get your kids’ perspectives about what is going on during dinner time. I find that individual discussions with the kids generally work better than a family meeting. Listen and try to understand their perspective without becoming argumentative or defensive. Explain that you want to respect their privacy and independence while continuing to be a part of their lives.
Avoid corrections and lectures. Many kids tell me they dread meal times because they feel they are being interrogated by their parents. Revealing any important information about issues results in reprimands. Why would you talk about real issues if it only gets you in trouble?
It begins with you.

FOMO: Does it Impact Decisions to File for Divorce?

The Role FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) Plays Out In Daily and Family Life

FOMO divorce Technology has created a glut of new words and expressions. It also has “repurposed” old words; a mouse is no longer just a rodent in my basement. A crash is not a vehicular accident, a chip is not just used for scooping up onion dip and a pad is not just a monthly required feminine product.

Electronic communication has also introduced us to a wave of new acronyms. LOL, ROFL, OMG, BRB were sprinkled through our e-mail and now are a standard in texting. Those initialisms (another new word I recently learned) have entered into our face to face conversations and are a part of our lexicon. Since I don’t Tweet, Snap, or Facebook, I admit I am lagging in current vocabulary updates.

Then an acquaintance confided she attends church weekly because she has FOMO. For those of you who are, like me, lagging in social media jargon, I will decode. FOMO refers to “Fear of Missing Out”. It is used most frequently by teenagers posting on social media in response to social events. For example, “I am going to Shania’s party even if I … Read More... “FOMO: Does it Impact Decisions to File for Divorce?”

Here’s What Functioning Marriages Have in Common

marriages functioning I’m often asked if it’s difficult being a psychologist and listening to kids’ problems all day. I enjoy that part of the job, because it’s fun helping young people make positive changes.

It’s a lot tougher listening to parents discuss their troubled marriages. These are often narratives of lives of quiet desperation and unfulfilled dreams.

Here’s what great marriages have in common.

Communicate. Partners in great relationships freely talk about their hopes, feelings, fears and dreams. They are responsive to their spouse’s styles and adjust accordingly. When problems occur, they avoid either extreme of acting with emotional escalation or withdrawal. Great communication is based upon each partner creating a sense of safety that allows the other person to freely say what they think and feel. One of my favorite quotes is from the English novelist George Eliot. “Oh, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out… knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”
Build Trust. Great marriages are based upon each person being authentic. Partners

In the Season of Excess: Will you Splurge or Binge?

holiday binge splurge Today while running some errands, I saw mountainous displays of bags of candy so enormous that I would need assistance just getting them to the car! Aisles and aisles of transparent sacks filled with tempting giant size candy bars! Where are those little bit size morsels we used to consider a treat? Now there were Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cups the size of small pizzas! (Okay, maybe just the size of bagels…but still!) Of course, they are priced to encourage you purchase more than just one bag (buy two, get one FREE!).

Halloween is the gateway holiday to the season of excess – the sugar high of October 31 segues nicely into the Thanksgiving food feast (Can there ever be too many pies?). Then it is just a four week slide down the slippery slope to the Mother of all Excesses-Christmas. Unfortunately, Christmas seems to be increasingly associated with displays that reach far beyond even abundance; we eat too much, drink too much, spend too much, worry too much and party too much. We are so out of control with our obsession of acquisition that it is not unusual to turn on the news and watch with horror as some … Read More... “In the Season of Excess: Will you Splurge or Binge?”

Dads Should Work Harder on Forming Bonds with Their Children

Father’s Day Advice To Dads: Talk less and listen more To Your Children

dads children While parents worry about the impact of peers, technology or a crass culture, teens consistently report that their moms and dads exert the most important influence in their lives.

Moms trump dads when it comes to importance, with 47 percent of kids reporting that moms are their most influential relationships, compared to only 20 percent for dads. Why do kids feel that way?

Part of this may be due to the number of families headed up by moms, who are in charge of 75 percent of single-parent families. Kids just don’t have much access to their dads.

Even in two-parent families, children have little routine contact with their fathers. While this has changed dramatically in the past 50 years, research indicates that moms still spend twice as much time caring for kids as do dads.

The issue isn’t just the amount of time that dads spend with their children. Kids tell me they feel closer to their moms for the following reasons.

Moms are nicer. Kids generally describe their moms as more positive and less reactive. Kids generally feel they get in more trouble with

Breaking Bad Habits: If Your Resolutions Are Slipping Away

Research shows that most people have given up on their New Year’s Resolutions by the third week of January. Here are a couple of tips that might help you beat the odds and reach your goal.

Refocus – When the urge/craving comes on for that chocolate éclair, glass of wine, or fabulous new boots, refocusing your thoughts can go a long way in helping you slow down those urges. How does this work? Think of it as procrastination for a good cause. Most of us can find a gazillion other things to focus on instead of, say, cleaning the bathroom or doing our taxes. Refocus is simply shifting your thoughts to something else – read a book, work out, or even clean the bathroom or do your taxes early. By the time you are through with this new chore you will find your craving has passed.

Revalue – Instead of thinking about how good that cigarette will feel, think about it blackening your lungs. When you stop rationalizing about how you “ deserve this” and focus rather on how you “deserve” to be healthy, you can begin to replace old toxic habits with healthier ones. While the chocolate donut may … Read More... “Breaking Bad Habits: If Your Resolutions Are Slipping Away”

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