Dating in Midlife: Do You Need Your Children’s Approval?

dating in midlifeThe doorbell rings as you adjust your make-up one more time and pray that you won’t trip in your new platform sandals. You shake your head and think, “I haven’t dated in decades. What am I doing?” You take a deep breath and open the door to your date.

There is more than a 50% chance that American adults will find themselves dating in midlife. Statistics tell us that the happily ever after marriage is not always forever. Many will face divorce and some find themselves widowed. These folks grieve, they heal and then many say, “Now what?”. They enjoyed being part of a couple and find (sometimes to their own surprise) they want to do it all again.

Dating after marriage feels far more complicated. Aside from a myriad of emotional and practical issues you deal with as you consider entering the dating world, there are the issues facing your children.

Allowing your children time to adjust to the divorce/death before bringing a new person into their lives is important regardless of how old they are. While you may be thrilled that your grieving period is over, your children will most likely take longer in their grieving process. … Read More... “Dating in Midlife: Do You Need Your Children’s Approval?”

Divorce: Is Your Child Emotionally Manipulating You?

How Emotional Minipulation Affects Family and Children in Divorce

Child Psychologist Gregory Ramey Offers His Advice For Parents After Divorce

divorce“I wouldn’t be having these problems if you hadn’t divorced my dad,” declared 15-year-old Lashona during an angry outburst with her mom. There was an uneasy silence followed by mom giving her a big hug and apologizing for the way the divorce has affected the family.

Mom’s reaction was completely understandable but wrong. She was the victim of her daughter’s emotional manipulation.

We all go about our day trying to influence other people to get what we want, and kids do the same thing. Emotional manipulation occurs when someone tries to elicit an emotional reaction from another to divert attention from the real issue. This is like a magician using misdirection, trying to get you to look elsewhere to conceal the magic trick. Kids can be good at such manipulation, taking advantage of parental empathy to escape personal responsibility. Here are the two most common types of misdirection used by kids.

  1. Guilt. Parents aren’t perfect and often feel badly for not living up to their own unachievable expectations. It’s easy for kids to take advantage of this parental vulnerability.
… Read More... “Divorce: Is Your Child Emotionally Manipulating You?”

Summer Vacations and the Divorced Family

Divorced Family During Summer Vacations? How To Get through The Downtime

summer vacations divorced family“As I watched my children wait at the window for their father to arrive, I couldn’t believe the flood of feelings I experienced,” Julie, thirty-eight, a divorced mother of two boys, seven and nine, explained. “Their father is taking them to New York with his girlfriend. Her parents own a large summer house in the Adirondacks. She has six brothers and sisters, all married with children. They are all coming this week for a family reunion.”

“As an only child raised in a large city, I never had this kind of experience. I am excited for my children that they can have all these new people in their lives. They will get the experience of a large family. I find myself wishing that I could give them such an experience. I wonder if they will love this new family more than they love me. Of course, I know this is not the case. But sometimes, I feel so insecure.”

“I guess I am also envious of their experience. In some ways, I wish I were going, too. Not to be with my ex-husband, but to have this wonderful family … Read More... “Summer Vacations and the Divorced Family”

Divorce: Welcome to the Roller Coaster!

How To Ride Out The Roller Coaster Of Emotions During The Pain Of Divorce

divorce

Nothing toys with our emotions like the break-up of a relationship. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes the six stages of grief as:

  1. Shock
  2. Denial
  3. Bargaining
  4. Anger
  5. Sadness
  6. Acceptance

When one is going through divorce, add another feeling: FEAR.   During divorce, it is possible to feel all of these things at the same time. This deluge of emotions can complicate how the person sees, thinks and feels about the issues thus distorting their perspective when faced with a mountain of decisions.

In contrast to the above list, here are a few more (sometimes surprising) feelings people going through divorce may experience:

  • Relief
  • Joy
  • Empowerment
  • Exhilaration
  • Freedom

“Am I going crazy? How can I feel all these things, many of them conflicting at the same time?” divorcing clients often ask. No, you are not going crazy. You are going through transition. Your life is changing. A transformation is occurring. These feelings are normal.

Your feelings will change frequently, sometimes in a day, sometimes in a matter of minutes. Think of the process as a roller coaster of emotions that starts out with really, really deep lows and hardly any … Read More... “Divorce: Welcome to the Roller Coaster!”

Twelve Step Programs – Debunking the Myths

Exposing The Eight Most Common Arguments For Not Attending Twelve Step Programs

Twelve Step ProgramsAs an alcohol and drug abuse counselor, I work with many people who are struggling with addiction or substance abuse. Whether you are the one struggling or you have a loved one who is battling the disease, I always recommend a Twelve Step Program. Unfortunately, I am almost always met with resistance. Much of that resistance comes from misconceptions about what Twelve Step Programs are all about, so I will address some of the biggest myths here. These are the eight most common arguments I hear for not attending Twelve Step meetings. (For brevity and clarity, I am using the terms alcoholic and addict interchangeably. When I use the terms “alcohol” or “drugs”, you can substitute any addiction- including gambling. pornography, prescription or illicit drugs.)

  1. Twelve Step Programs are a cult or religion. I know this because they all meet in churches and are very secretive.

    False. Twelve Step Programs meet in other places besides churches. They look for inexpensive or free space to hold their meetings. They have no religious affiliation. There is no “secrecy” but rather anonymity. Many feel embarrassed or shameful because of the behavior

… Read More... “Twelve Step Programs – Debunking the Myths”

Holiday Season: Don’t be a victim, follow these steps for Happy Holidays

Holiday Season Tips From A Dayton, Ohio, Psychologist

holiday season

The holiday season for some families is a time of tension and turmoil rather than peace and celebration. Stop being a victim of past hurts and perceived pressures.

Here’s how to take back the pleasant parts of the holiday season.

  1. Slow down and engage in mindful and meaningful activities. There are lots of demands on parents and kids during this time of the year. You may be expected to attend holiday events, community celebrations and parties at work. Some of these are fun and connect us with friends and family. Others are superficial obligations we think we need to fulfill.

    Recognize that time is one of your most important currencies, and how you spend it defines who you are. Most people exaggerate their importance to others and think that all kinds of bad things will happen if they don’t meet others’ expectations.

    Learn to say “no” and stay focused on the important relationships in your life. Develop traditions that have meaning to you and your children, rather than rushing from one holiday event to another.

  2. Let go of past hurts, whether they are real or imagined. Your family isn’t perfect,
… Read More... “Holiday Season: Don’t be a victim, follow these steps for Happy Holidays”

2 Things Parents Must do to Support Their Kids’ Digital Experiences

digital childrenThe popularization of the automobile in the 1920’s was not universally welcomed. Many raised questions about the safety of this new invention and their concerns were valid. There are about 1.2 million fatalities world-wide associated with car accidents, another 50 million people injured, and billions of dollars in damages. Even so, few are willing to give up the convenience of the auto in spite of these significant costs.

As with many things in life, we try to minimize the risks to enjoy the benefits.

We’re in that same situation today in dealing with the dilemmas presented by kids and technology. Our teens are technologically connected with 68 percent of them sending text messages daily, averaging somewhere between 60 and 100 texts every day. Over half of our teens visit a social networking site daily. Over 80 percent of teens have their own cell phone, and two-thirds have a device that allows them to connect to the Internet.

That means that 67 percent of our kids can visit virtually any website without our guidance or supervision. We are fearful. We don’t want our children in internet relationships with strangers, addicted to pornography, victims of cyber bullying or sexting, and spending excessive … Read More... “2 Things Parents Must do to Support Their Kids’ Digital Experiences”

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