Even young children are aware that they are part of both parents. We tell them the story of our courtship, our wedding and of their birth. We show them baby pictures. “You have Daddy’s smile and you have Mommy’s eyes,” we tell them. This is one way children feel they are part of a family. It helps our children develop a sense of identity and belonging. As children grow older, we begin to identify more traits in them that remind us of ourselves. “You are artistic like your dad” or “you have your mom’s wit” are further ways we continue to build connection with our kids.
But when a marriage starts to deteriorate, parents sometimes focus only on the worst traits of their spouse and now flinch at any similarity they may see in their children. When anger and stress collide, parents find themselves comparing their children in a negative way to “you’re no good lazy cheating father” or “that crazy drunk of a mother.”
As acrimony between the parents escalates, these remarks can become sharper and more frequent. The child of divorcing parents who is told, “You remind me of your father,” when he misbehaves, hears a painful rejection … Read More... “Whose Kids Are These?”
Your decision to create life was born in the unrestrained optimism that having children would help make your existence worthwhile. Perhaps you came from a wonderful family and wanted to give to others the gifts of love, compassion and happiness. Maybe your own childhood was not pleasant, and you wanted children to help make up for an upbringing that was filled more with distress than delight.
This represents the third collaboration between Psychotherapist Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, and myself. We both had remarked to the other about the important role that the therapist and attorney play in a divorce proceeding. Donna suggested that we both write about our perceptions on that subject. Instead of each of us writing about the merits of our own profession, we switched roles. I wrote about the importance of therapy during a divorce and Donna addressed considerations for picking a good divorce attorney. We hope this perspective provides the reader with additional information and insight regarding the need for professional support during this challenging and life-changing experience. Be sure to spend time exploring the excellent articles she has written. Her insights are terrific! Donna, as in the past, the collaboration was a lot of fun!
“Wait a minute! Did I read that right? Marriage ‘building’ advice and links to what sounds like a marriage ‘strengthening’ organization on a Divorce Attorney’s website…what’s up with that?” Those thoughts and questions may have run through your mind as you have explored our law firm’s blog and website, but you read correctly. The desire to help strengthen marriages and prevent divorce, if at all possible, may be unusual in our industry, but saving marriages and strengthening families is good for society! To that end, our website, as well as our Ohio Family Law Blog, provides people with links to pro-family organizations like Marriage Works! Ohio, an organization whose mission is helping couples strengthen their relationships.
In the midst of an intense discussion or at the end of a difficult day, we don’t always say the right things to our children. But what we say can make a big impact, good or bad.
Joel Goodman of the Humor Project in Saratoga Springs, New York, says, “Humor is what lubricates life.” Humor can help you deal with all the stressors in your life. Humor cannot erase the situation, but it can take the sting out of many things, thus reducing their negative impact. In order for humor to be curative in your life, you need to find your own laugh button. Remember, divorce is one part of your life, don’t make it your whole life!