I am pleased that Donna Ferber, a psychotherapist and a frequent contributor to the Ohio Family Law Blog has agreed to co-author this article with me! Our goal is to present both the legal and emotional perspectives of a trend that we are seeing in our professional practices: long term marriages ending by divorce when the wife has come to the conclusion that she has just “had enough” and that the husband is seemingly caught “blindsided” by the situation. The intent of the article is not a male versus female point and counterpoint, but rather a collaborative discourse that can provide insight into the complexity of the issues.
My legal analysis is in regular black font and Donna’s perspective as a psychotherapist is in blue italics…
Having been a divorce lawyer for over 30 years, I see recurring themes in many of my cases. Statistics show that there will be about a million divorces in the United States this year. About 75% are filed by women. More of my male clients are telling me that they are completely “blind-sided” by the divorce situation. These are individuals in long-term marriages who have honored their wedding vows, are not abusers, and … Read More... “Sudden Divorce Syndrome: Reality or Myth?”
Just as each marriage is unique, so is each divorce. Your reaction to the final legal decree will vary from that of others going through this process. Your feelings will be based on your own special circumstances and will depend upon a number of factors:
As an adult who weathered through a divorce proceeding within the past thirteen (13) years, I was the product of an “intact family” having parents who were married for more than 54 years. Like most young women, I was “socialized” into thinking that I would grow up, meet Prince Charming, fall in love, get married, and “live happily ever after”! Unfortunately, that dream of many young women has become more of a myth than a “true-to-life” fairy tale as our divorce rate approaches or exceeds 50% for first time marriages. Nevertheless, I was hopeful that my two children would not be negatively affected by their parents’ divorce as they were not toddlers anymore. When my divorce actually took place, both children had graduated from college and were living independently.
Alcoholism is defined by Webster’s New World Dictionary as “the habitual drinking of alcoholic liquor, or as a resulting diseased condition”. It is also defined as a chronic and progressive illness characterized by physiological and psychological dependency upon the ingestion of alcohol; a loss of control over drinking, including when, and in what form, how much, and why; and interference with normal functioning in one or all such areas such as family, work, friendship, and community activity.
It’s a misconception that when parents divorce it doesn’t affect adult children. It is important to remember that our children may be adults (and even may have experienced divorce themselves), but they are still children of both parents. In going through divorce, many parents “lean” on their children, making them into confidantes and, sometimes, surrogate spouses. Children, even adult children, are uncomfortable with details of their parents’ personal life. Confiding to a child about a parent’s indiscretions puts the child in a no-win situation. Many of the adult children I have spoken with say that they are shocked and angry by their parents’ behavior. But as the child, they continue to want the relationship. Giving adult children inappropriate information puts them in a quandary – how to have a relationship with a parent who may have behaved terribly in marriage without feeling disloyal to the other parent? Children are entitled to have a relationship with each parent that is not based on that parent’s performance as a spouse.
Throughout life, we sometimes encounter difficult people. We may argue with them, fall silent, comply or take distance. In a divorce, particularly an acrimonious one, difficult behaviors abound. No one is on their best behavior under this amount of stress. Figuring out how to cope with difficult behavior is a bit easier once you can identify why a person behaves in a certain way and what he/she hopes to accomplish. Here is a list of the most common behaviors that frustrate us all and suggestions for dealing with them:
Every Sunday I look forward to reading Dayton Psychologist, Gregory Ramey’s article in his Family Wise Column in the Dayton Daily News. A few weeks ago, he wrote a very interesting piece about “the pursuit of happiness” but not from the legal perspective as contemplated by our forefather’s in the Declaration of Independence, but from a psychological viewpoint.