Uncoupling and Divorce

What is Uncoupling and How Does It Relate To Or Not Relate To Divorce?

uncoupling divorceA few years ago when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced they were “consciously uncoupling”, many rolled their eyes at what felt like pretentious language.

While “uncoupling” sounds a little strange, in truth, it may be a more precise way to describe the demise of a marriage and the subsequent unraveling of intertwined lives, then just saying “we are getting divorced.” Divorce is a legal process that culminates with a bang of a gavel. Uncoupling is the emotional process of ending the marital/romantic relationship. It extends far beyond mere legalities.

Unlike divorce that clearly defines the practical division of financial assets and legal responsibilities, uncoupling rarely has clear boundaries or a definite end. Especially when there are children; the relationship doesn’t end so much as morph into another kind of relationship.

Do not assume “Relationship” always refers to one of civility; while that is the ideal, in truth many couples continue their post marital relationship by bickering, fighting and power struggles. These adversarial marriages, while legally over, are not really uncoupled; there is simply too much energy (albeit negative energy) that goes into keeping a … Read More... “Uncoupling and Divorce”

Divorce: Summer Holidays for Those Newly Divorced

The Struggle Of Divorce During the Summer Holidays – How To Juggle The Roles And Responsibilities In Your Life

divorce summer holidaysMemorial Day, Labor Day and 4th of July are holidays that celebrate different aspects of American culture. Memorial Day honors those who fought to defend our principles and ideals, Labor Day honors our work ethic, and 4th of July honors our fight for independence. We don’t consider them “big holidays.” They are, for most of us, times to be outdoors, watch some fireworks, and eat lots of good food. They also give us an extended weekend.

For a newly divorced person, however, these holidays can take on great significance. You, too, have been fighting for your principles, working hard, and struggling with your newfound independence. No three holidays in our calendar reflect your struggle as these three do. Since we do not have a specific holiday that honors those who have been through the struggle of divorce, adopt these as your three days. Memorial Day honors your fight to preserve your ideals and principles. Labor Day represents your struggle to juggle all the roles and responsibilities in your life, and the 4th of July, like divorce, is about freedom and … Read More... “Divorce: Summer Holidays for Those Newly Divorced”

Regrets

Should We Try To Avoid Regret?

How Accepting Some Sense Of Regret Will Be A Part Of Every Decision We Will Make

regret divorceA few months ago when I read the novel The Invention of Wings by Sue Monk Kidd, I had no idea that it would include a sentiment that was so wise that I would be inspired to share it.  The main character in the book is struggling with a decision that will impact her for the rest of her life. “Choose the regret you can most live with” is the powerful advice she receives.

Those of you who have been in the office recently may have heard me quote this. In the often gut wrenching world of making tough decisions, this one simple line offers good counsel as often there is no easy, clear resolution.

As much as I valued this sentiment, I was having trouble writing about it in a way that seemed as if it would have meaning. I took a couple of shots from different angles and then moved it to the folder of unfinished blogs.

Then of course, the answer came.

Many of you know about my border collie who has been with me … Read More... “Regrets”

FOMO: Does it Impact Decisions to File for Divorce?

The Role FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) Plays Out In Daily and Family Life

FOMO divorceTechnology has created a glut of new words and expressions. It also has “repurposed” old words; a mouse is no longer just a rodent in my basement. A crash is not a vehicular accident, a chip is not just used for scooping up onion dip and a pad is not just a monthly required feminine product.

Electronic communication has also introduced us to a wave of new acronyms. LOL, ROFL, OMG, BRB were sprinkled through our e-mail and now are a standard in texting. Those initialisms (another new word I recently learned) have entered into our face to face conversations and are a part of our lexicon. Since I don’t Tweet, Snap, or Facebook, I admit I am lagging in current vocabulary updates.

Then an acquaintance confided she attends church weekly because she has FOMO. For those of you who are, like me, lagging in social media jargon, I will decode. FOMO refers to “Fear of Missing Out”. It is used most frequently by teenagers posting on social media in response to social events. For example, “I am going to Shania’s party even if I … Read More... “FOMO: Does it Impact Decisions to File for Divorce?”

In the Season of Excess: Will you Splurge or Binge?

holiday binge splurgeToday while running some errands, I saw mountainous displays of bags of candy so enormous that I would need assistance just getting them to the car! Aisles and aisles of transparent sacks filled with tempting giant size candy bars! Where are those little bit size morsels we used to consider a treat? Now there were Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cups the size of small pizzas! (Okay, maybe just the size of bagels…but still!) Of course, they are priced to encourage you purchase more than just one bag (buy two, get one FREE!).

Halloween is the gateway holiday to the season of excess – the sugar high of October 31 segues nicely into the Thanksgiving food feast (Can there ever be too many pies?). Then it is just a four week slide down the slippery slope to the Mother of all Excesses-Christmas. Unfortunately, Christmas seems to be increasingly associated with displays that reach far beyond even abundance; we eat too much, drink too much, spend too much, worry too much and party too much. We are so out of control with our obsession of acquisition that it is not unusual to turn on the news and watch with horror as some … Read More... “In the Season of Excess: Will you Splurge or Binge?”

Breaking Bad Habits: If Your Resolutions Are Slipping Away

resolutionsResearch shows that most people have given up on their New Year’s Resolutions by the third week of January. Here are a couple of tips that might help you beat the odds and reach your goal.

Refocus – When the urge/craving comes on for that chocolate éclair, glass of wine, or fabulous new boots, refocusing your thoughts can go a long way in helping you slow down those urges. How does this work? Think of it as procrastination for a good cause. Most of us can find a gazillion other things to focus on instead of, say, cleaning the bathroom or doing our taxes. Refocus is simply shifting your thoughts to something else – read a book, work out, or even clean the bathroom or do your taxes early. By the time you are through with this new chore you will find your craving has passed.

Revalue – Instead of thinking about how good that cigarette will feel, think about it blackening your lungs. When you stop rationalizing about how you “ deserve this” and focus rather on how you “deserve” to be healthy, you can begin to replace old toxic habits with healthier ones. While the chocolate donut may … Read More... “Breaking Bad Habits: If Your Resolutions Are Slipping Away”

Divorce: Not a Do-It-Yourself Project

Tips On How To Move Ahead In Divorce

Help And Support From Professionals Key To Moving Forward In Divorce

divorceFrequently, people who are unhappy in their marriages wait until after the holiday season to move ahead with the dissolution of their marriage.  If you are one of those folks who have made this decision, you know it is not easy to make that first move.  Sometimes people struggle for years in unhappy relationships before they decide it is time to end the marriage.

How to move ahead?  Find a good lawyer and therapist.  They will be part of your team as you begin the arduous process of untangling your marriage.  These professionals will help and support you through the process – making sure that when your divorce is final, you are as secure as you can be – both emotionally and legally.

No doubt about it – divorce is a major life changing decision.  It is a stressful time – you, your spouse and your children will be impacted emotionally, financially, practically and legally.

So, it is surprising when so many couples decide to proceed with the legal uncoupling without legal counsel!  Here are some reasons people choose to represent … Read More... “Divorce: Not a Do-It-Yourself Project”

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