4 Ways to Identify a Lonely Child

face of lonely young girl

Why is loneliness hard to diagnose in kids?

loneliness kidsTwelve-year-old Josh and his mom had accomplished a lot during seven sessions of therapy. He was getting along better with his little sister, and his interactions with his mom were more positive.

It wasn’t until I discussed terminating therapy that Josh finally told me how lonely he felt, which had never come up during our meetings.

While Josh had many acquaintances, he didn’t have any close friends. While superficially pleasant and outgoing, he was fearful of saying what he really felt and thought. If people knew the real Josh, he felt he would be ridiculed and rejected. He was living a dual life. His external behavior was ordinary and acceptable. His inner world was solitary and disengaged.

He cried in my office for about 10 minutes, and then profusely apologized for using so many tissues. He quickly retreated to his pretend world and reassured me that he was doing fine.

Loneliness is hard to diagnose in kids, and often can be mistaken for other conditions.

Loneliness is not depression. Kids who are depressed generally have little energy and experience no enjoyment in most activities. Loneliness is also different from being introspective … Read More... “4 Ways to Identify a Lonely Child”

3 Ways to Raise Empathetic Children

empathetic childrenIt seems as though many discussions with our kids or friends morph into mindless debates rather than genuine conversations. The goal is to win an argument rather than to understand another’s viewpoint.

This has been evident within the political arena. Moderation and compromise have become synonymous with selling out or giving in. We pay a high cost for this extremism — the loss of empathy.

Relationships are based on understanding another’s viewpoint. This means listening carefully and striving to appreciate another’s thoughts and feelings without inserting our perspective. During my graduate studies, a professor told me that establishing empathy with our patients is the most difficult skill psychologists had to learn. She was right.

It’s hard to listen. Many kids and their parents express outrageous thoughts and feelings that seem so misguided, illogical, and just plain wrong. Even so, I can’t begin to influence families in a positive direction until I emotionally and intellectually understand their worlds.

Empathy doesn’t mean condoning or agreeing with another. When kids tell me their parents hate them, I don’t agree with their feelings. I simply try to understand the basis of their emotions.

Marriage relationships often fail because one or both partners lack the … Read More... “3 Ways to Raise Empathetic Children”

Three Ways to Use Regret

regretJessica regretted wasting her entire life. She had a horrible relationship with her two wonderful parents. She had done poorly in high school, and now had few skills to get a meaningful job. She had been in a myriad of poor relationships with guys, leaving her feeling used and worthless.

Regret is a powerful and potentially destructive emotion, particularly coming from a 17-year-old.

I tell kids that their emotions are messages. They are not good or bad, although they can leave us with feelings ranging from delight to depression. They are to be carefully considered and deciphered, but you need to be careful not to let negative feelings inhabit your soul.

Regret can be a particularly heartbreaking emotion. The challenge is to understand your feelings in such a way so as to empower you to act, rather than respond with despondency.

Many parents voice regrets when talking about their adult children. They wonder what they might have done differently to have avoided raising unhappy and disturbed young adults. Maybe they should have given their kids more attention, or maybe less attention. Perhaps they were too lenient, or too strict. If only they hadn’t moved around so often. If only they … Read More... “Three Ways to Use Regret”

Should You Divorce Your Own Children?

parent child divorceFor most parents, raising children is one of the most important and meaningful parts of their lives. In response to our unconditional love and total commitment, we get hugs, laughter, challenges and a sense of purpose and passion.

However, for a very small number of parents, children are a burden to be tolerated rather than a blessing to be experienced. These youngsters typically have a variety of severe emotional and behavior problems, usually beginning in preschool. Parents have usually sought help from a myriad of professionals over many years, with little success. They eventually discover the uncomfortable truth that despite our best efforts, there are some children that professionals don’t know how to help.

In a moment of terrifying honesty, these parents tell me they feel more loathing than love for their child.

Early in my career, I dismissed such feelings as reflective of ineffective parents. All would be fine if only parents would set clear rules, be consistent in their discipline, and adjust their style to meet the special needs of their children.

I was wrong. I’ve learned over the years that good parents can raise bad kids.

I’ve now changed my approach in working with these families. While … Read More... “Should You Divorce Your Own Children?”

Why Do Parents Pay a Happiness Tax?

Happiness Tax Highest In United States

happiness taxResearch over the past 40 years has generally suggested that adults with children are less happy than nonparents.

Dr. Jennifer Glass studied the happiness of parents and nonparents in 22 industrialized countries. She discovered that overall Americans rated their happiness as among the highest of any country, second only to Finland in a soon to be published study in the American Journal of Sociology.

However, Americans also reported the highest parenting-happiness tax among all of the countries in her study. Being a parent in America is more likely to result in a greater drop in happiness than in any other of the 22 countries. Parenting is tough, but why is it more so in America than elsewhere? The researchers looked at a variety of social policies related to parenting, and have suggested an interesting insight into understanding the problems of American parents. They concluded that “…the more generous family policies, particularly paid time off and childcare subsidies are associated with smaller disparities in happiness between parents and nonparents.”

Parents Imposing Happiness Tax On Themselves

It makes sense the pressures of parenting can be mitigated by allowing moms and dads more flexibility in their work … Read More... “Why Do Parents Pay a Happiness Tax?”

Do you Believe in Magic?

magic believeSome weeks ago, I tuned into an NPR radio interview with Penn and Teller, those amazing magicians/entertainers who have for decades defied logic and fooled us with their brilliant illusions.

What caught my interest was the oddity of the interview. The dynamic duo of Penn and Teller were being interviewed separately. This intrigued me as I wondered how NPR would handle empty radio air space if the usually silent Raymond Teller continued to be mute.

Luckily, he did not. And among the thought provoking things he had to say was this, “Nothing fools you better than the lie you tell yourself.” Of course, he was talking about magic. But I was thinking about denial. It never occurred to me before that moment that magic has so much in common with denial. The point of intersection is simple-We WANT to believe.

We know when something is “off”; maybe we can’t see it, but we feel it. And we ignore that feeling; we do this when watching a magic show as the illusion entertains us. We collude with the magicians on stage. We want to be fooled. Just for a while we want to believe in magic! We know the woman is … Read More... “Do you Believe in Magic?”

Why You Should Think Twice Before Posting A Photo of Your Child

post photo childWe often agonize about the technology expectations we have for our kids, but what rules do our children want for us?

When kids between the ages of 10 to 17 were asked that question, their highest priority was that we “be present” when we are with them. Children wanted a rule that there would be “no technology at all in a certain social contact: Pay attention/put down the phone when your child is trying to tell you something important,” according to research just published by Alexis Hinker and associates.

The second most important rule from our kids was that we “Don’t post anything about me without asking me.” “Twice as many children as parents expressed concerns about family members oversharing personal information about them on Facebook and other social media without permission,” said co-author Sarita Schoenebeck.

Do children have a right to privacy?

A California law went into effect in 2015 gives minors an electronic eraser button. They can delete any post made in social media, and sites like Facebook must clearly inform kids how that can be done. However, this only applies to what is posted by kids, not what adults post about their children.

Should you seek your … Read More... “Why You Should Think Twice Before Posting A Photo of Your Child”

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