Survival Guide for Step Parents: Five Secrets to Enjoying Your Stepchildren

ramey_step.jpgIf you think being a parent is challenging, 37 percent of American families will tell you there is one job that is even tougher—being a step parent!

Step parenting is often filled with a great deal of discontent and disappointment.  A step mom remarked that she has “most of the responsibility but ultimately no real authority” in raising her step kids.  She felt like it was all of the work of a “real parent” but without any of the love or commitment from her step kids. “Ultimately, I feel like a glorified babysitter but without the pay from an employer or the gratitude from my stepchildren.  When things get tough, I hear “you’re not my real mom!”

Here are some suggestions for making step parenting a rewarding and meaningful experience for you and your kids.

  1. Clarify your role before you get married. Make certain that you and your potential spouse are in agreement about your responsibilities and rights in raising your step children.If the step children will be living primarily with you and your spouse, you need to have the authority (with your spouse) to set rules and discipline the children.  This is the most frequent source of conflict in
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Two Thumbs Up for the “Helping Children Succeed After Divorce” Seminar!

child_sem.jpgThe “Helping Children Succeed After Divorce” program was created in 1991 through the concerted efforts of the Children’s Hospital Guidance Centers Divorce Services, the Franklin County Domestic Relations Court, and the Family Law Committee of the Columbus (Ohio) Bar Association.  The three (3) hour seminar was designed to provide parents with information to help them better understand their children’s reaction to the divorce process and to adjust to the inevitable changes that divorce brings to the family unit.

In Montgomery County, Ohio, attendance at the “Helping Children Succeed After Divorce” seminar, hereinafter sometimes referred to as “Helping Children” is not an option for divorcing parents but a requirement of the Domestic Relations Court. If a parent fails to attend the seminar, the assigned Judge can deny “parenting time” or “visitation” to that parent or refuse to file the Final Decree of Divorce or Dissolution. The program is taught by Galen Curry, Manager of the Parent Education Department of the Court, or by Margaret Leger (Beth) of the same Department.  The program is offered  during morning hours (9 a.m. to noon), afternoon hours (2 p.m. to 5 p.m.), and evening hours (6 p.m. to 9 p.m.) to accommodate the scheduling needs … Read More... “Two Thumbs Up for the “Helping Children Succeed After Divorce” Seminar!”

For Your Child’s Sake, Work With Ex-Spouse – Dr. Ramey Doesn’t Mince His Words!

ramey_min.jpgReader’s Question: I have seen my 7-year-old daughter every other weekend since I divorced her mom two years ago. My daughter’s behavior with me is absolutely horrible, to the point where I now dread her coming over. My ex-wife is a real pain and a terrible mother, so I really can’t speak with her about our daughter. Any ideas on what I can do to get my daughter’s behavior under control?

Dr. Ramey’s Answer: Stop whining about your ex-spouse. You can’t solve this problem without talking with your ex-wife. Regardless of whatever may have happened during your marriage and divorce, you need to put the love of your child ahead of your feelings toward your ex-spouse. If your daughter’s mom is unwilling to talk with you directly, ask if she would be willing to go with you to a child therapist to help deal with your daughter’s problems.

These youngsters are among the saddest I treat because most of these problems are caused by selfish and immature parents.

Reprinted by permission from the November 16, 2008, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “For your child’s sake, work with ex-spouse”, Family Wise, Gregory Ramey, PH.D.

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What If You’re Not The Parent You Wanted To Be?

ramey_par.jpgParenting is not what you expected. Children are not the joy you anticipated. You’ve turned into the type of parent you vowed you’d never become.

What went wrong?

Perhaps this is related to your expectations. You had such high hopes for what it was going to be like to raise children. In an environment of love and acceptance, you knew that children would respond with kindness and affection. You put your children as your highest priority, ahead of your own interests and even before the relationship with your spouse.

In return for that passionate commitment, you expected to be around children who were generally well behaved, creative, sensitive, bright and engaging. While your kids sometimes act those ways, they are typically self-absorbed, insensitive and even mean-spirited. Completing simple chores become battles. For all that you have given them and for all of your sacrifices, why the heck can’t they just take out the trash once a week? Your kids don’t do as they are told, and it really doesn’t seem to matter what effect this has on you and your spouse.

You have responded in ways that you could never have imagined. You’ve lost your temper and occasionally spanked your … Read More... “What If You’re Not The Parent You Wanted To Be?”

Kids bring happiness, right? Not always

ramey_happy.jpgParents contribute significantly to kids’ happiness, but having children generally results in less happiness for couples, according to research summarized in “Gross National Happiness” by Arthur Brooks.

It may be a bit surprising to some that parents are very important to their children. One would think that in a materialistic culture, kids would feel happier with the latest iPhone and video games. However, young adults in the age range of 13-24 report that spending time with their family is the most important factor leading to their happiness. Seventy-five percent of young adults say their relationship with their parents makes them happy.

For these young people, the things that make them happy are the same things that make most of us happy: social relationships. Having meaningful, honest and rewarding relationships with family and friends are more important than anything else.

We may enjoy things, but we find meaning and happiness in being around people who really matter to us.

The research on couples with children is a bit more perplexing. Brooks reports that after such variables as age, income, gender, race and politics are considered, a “parent would be about seven percentage points less likely to report being very happy” than … Read More... “Kids bring happiness, right? Not always”

Father’s Day Reflections, Including Freud and Tongue Biting

Father’s Day can be an extremely difficult one for many children. Unfortunately, thousands of children will not be with their father this Father’s Day due to many factors including divorce, death or service in the armed forces. As a result, many children don’t have the opportunity for a traditional Father’s Day.

I’d like to offer some thoughts about the importance of this day from the perspective of both a father and a practicing divorce lawyer for 30 years:

  1. Take the High Road. If it’s within your power to help a child spend some time or even talk with his or her father on Father’s Day, take the high road and make a special effort to make it happen. Across the country, thousands of children and fathers don’t have the opportunity to share their feelings with each other.
  2. Are You Too Busy to See Your Children? If you happen to be a father who lives with, or has access, to your children, realize how blessed you are to have children and don’t waste the opportunity to tell them how much you love them and how important they are to you! Thousands of fathers without such an opportunity would envy being in
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Mother’s Day – A Very Special Day!

Naturally Mother’s Day is a special day for families and especially for mothers. In this day and age however, there are often multiple females who may play a key role in a child’s life. Stepmothers and grandmothers raising their grandchildren as their own are now quite the norm. These women need to be recognized on Mother’s Day.

Stepmothers are often portrayed in a negative light. It is important to look at all sides, as a step mom often has to walk the tight rope. She has to carefully navigate the road so that she is an integral part of her new child or children’s lives, while still respecting the child’s need to honor and love their own mother. Grandmothers raising grandchildren as their own child has been an increasing occurrence in our society. Across the United States, more than 6 million children are being raised in households headed by grandparents and other relatives. In my opinion they should be nominated as saints! In addition to a child’s natural mother, a stepmother or a primary care giving grandmother can play a pivotal role in a child’s life.

Kate Fogerty has written extensively about the challenges of blending families. In a piece … Read More... “Mother’s Day – A Very Special Day!”

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