As an adult who weathered through a divorce proceeding within the past thirteen (13) years, I was the product of an “intact family” having parents who were married for more than 54 years. Like most young women, I was “socialized” into thinking that I would grow up, meet Prince Charming, fall in love, get married, and “live happily ever after”! Unfortunately, that dream of many young women has become more of a myth than a “true-to-life” fairy tale as our divorce rate approaches or exceeds 50% for first time marriages. Nevertheless, I was hopeful that my two children would not be negatively affected by their parents’ divorce as they were not toddlers anymore. When my divorce actually took place, both children had graduated from college and were living independently.
When my son advised us that he was going to become engaged, we were thrilled for him. They seemed to be so happy and so in love with one another. Their wedding was like a “fairy tale” wedding with a beautiful bride, a handsome groom, and a great wedding party of supportive friends and relatives. Three children and 16 years later, the glow of the first few years has faded, the … Read More... “When Our Adult Children Divorce”
It’s a misconception that when parents divorce it doesn’t affect adult children. It is important to remember that our children may be adults (and even may have experienced divorce themselves), but they are still children of both parents. In going through divorce, many parents “lean” on their children, making them into confidantes and, sometimes, surrogate spouses. Children, even adult children, are uncomfortable with details of their parents’ personal life. Confiding to a child about a parent’s indiscretions puts the child in a no-win situation. Many of the adult children I have spoken with say that they are shocked and angry by their parents’ behavior. But as the child, they continue to want the relationship. Giving adult children inappropriate information puts them in a quandary – how to have a relationship with a parent who may have behaved terribly in marriage without feeling disloyal to the other parent? Children are entitled to have a relationship with each parent that is not based on that parent’s performance as a spouse.
Throughout life, we sometimes encounter difficult people. We may argue with them, fall silent, comply or take distance. In a divorce, particularly an acrimonious one, difficult behaviors abound. No one is on their best behavior under this amount of stress. Figuring out how to cope with difficult behavior is a bit easier once you can identify why a person behaves in a certain way and what he/she hopes to accomplish. Here is a list of the most common behaviors that frustrate us all and suggestions for dealing with them:
Through the divorce process, children deal with many changes. One of the most significant adjustments children have to make is living in two homes. Even if a child visits one parent for a few hours a week, the child should feel at home there. This helps foster connection with the non-custodial parent and helps the child to recognize that the non-custodial parent didn’t “divorce” him/her. Issues of abandonment and rejection are paramount for children of all ages, although the young ones can’t express it and the older ones either won’t or they “act out.” Creating a sense of belonging in both homes assists the child in making a healthy transition. Many children actually enjoy having two homes because they get special attention; often have two birthday parties and two sets of Christmas or Chanukah gifts.
One of the most difficult things you will ever have to do as a parent is tell your children that their parents are breaking up. It is important that you shift your focus from your loss to your children’s loss. Divorce is about the dissolution of a husband-wife relationship. It marks a change in the parent-child relationship. Staying aware of this difference will help you effectively support your children. In talking with your children, stay focused on their feelings about this experience. If you focus on the spousal relationship, your own feelings may get in the way of good parenting.
Jason C. Brown, the publisher of the 
The date for your “non-contested” divorce hearing or your dissolution hearing has been set. What is the appropriate attire for Court? First, it is most important to recognize that the two (2) hearings set forth in the first sentence indicate that the case has been “settled” or “resolved”. Basically, this means that neither party will be testifying against one another and that neither party has a large stake or investment in the Court’s impression of either party.