Is Checking Your Emotional Pulse The Key To Dealing With Divorce?
“I am in the divorce process up to my elbows. I have paperwork for my lawyer, deadlines for my job, parent conferences for my kids, friends coming for dinner. I have a birthday party to plan, a lawn to mow, a dog with fleas. I haven’t slept more than five hours a night for months. My grey hairs are coming in with a vengeance and my skin is breaking out. Most of the food in my refrigerator looks like science experiments. I have no idea of world events, latest movies, or current songs. I have to get my kids to soccer practice, karate and guitar lessons. I have grocery shopping, vet appointments, orthodontics appointments, child therapy appointments, ob-gyn appointments. I have appointments with my lawyer, my accountant, my therapist. I have appointments with my children’s lawyers and therapists. I even have an appointment to sit down and talk with my soon to be ex- husband about vacation schedules! I need to get the house painted. The car is making a clanking noise of undeterminable origin. The dishwasher is leaking. My kids came home with head lice. The dog vomited … Read More... “Divorce Time Out: Take Your Emotional Pulse”
Divorce rates for the general population throughout the United States have stabilized over the past several decades. However, that’s not true for baby boomers. Divorce rates among couples over 50 have doubled over the last two decades according to a recent study by Bowling Green State University Professor Susan L. Brown. In the 1990s, fewer than 1 in 10 people who divorced were 50 or older. In 2009, that figure soared to 1 in 4. Dr. Brown utilized data from the federal government’s 2009 American Community Survey. She also looked at demographics and found the highest rates were among black couples and the lowest rates among white couples. Older adults who divorced also tended to be less educated than those who remained married.
Financial decisions in a marriage are not always a joint venture; wherein both Husband and Wife cooperate in the decision making. In the first few years of my own marriage, my Husband filed our taxes for us. I would check to ensure he put in all my information, but I never looked to see what numbers he was putting into his part of the tax return. Now that I am an attorney practicing in divorce, I know the detrimental effects that can occur in these situations.
Many years ago, a singing icon and legend, Frank Sinatra, released a song entitled “The Second Time Around”…..its words begin as follows—“Love is lovelier the second time around; Just as wonderful with both feet on the ground; It’s that second time you hear your love song sung……..Makes you think perhaps that love, like you, is wasted on the young”…he goes on to praise the greatness of second-time relationships. But, what are the facts about second marriages? Do they fare well or do they fare poorly?
Frequently, a spouse is incredulous at their partner’s behavior during divorce. Why do we expect people to be on their best behavior during divorce? Does anyone actually behave better under stress? If you had a tendency to anxiety in your marriage, you are probably climbing the walls. If your spouse was controlling during the marriage, then s/he is probably exhibiting dictator-like characteristics. And if either of you had a tendency toward alcohol or drug abuse or domestic violence of any kind, then you can expect those frightening behaviors to escalate.
The continued post-divorce acrimony that plays out in the arena of parenting is the probably the most aggravating and stressful part of divorce for all involved. Parents struggle with a sense of wanting to make this transition easy for their children but when left over marital issues continue to play out in the co parenting arena, the adults often throw up their hands in frustration. The continued conflict is worrisome as it is the fighting, not marital status, that hurts the kids.