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Help Kids Make Sense Of A World Where Events Appear Unfair And Illogical

How We Can Help Kids Make Sense of Life’s Injustices Using Advice From A Dayton, Ohio Child Psychologist

help kids “Why did God take mommy to heaven?” asked Haley about the death of her mother due to a drug overdose.

Her dad said that God needed mom in heaven to help him, and that Haley should feel happy that God chose mom. That didn’t make much sense to this young child, so she began asking other people for their opinions.

I know what I was expected to tell her, but being asked questions without answers still leaves me uncomfortable.

Like the rest of us, Haley was trying to make some sense of a world where events often appear unfair, capricious and illogical. Similar questions come up frequently with kids during therapy.

“Why did my parents get a divorce?” “Why did my uncle abuse me?” “Why do other kids make fun of me?” “Why did I get cancer?”

We all adopt some view of the world that allows us to function in spite of life’s many apparent injustices and erratic events.

We may develop faith in an all-knowing God, and trust that the world is developing according to some divine plan.

Others affirm … Read More... “Help Kids Make Sense Of A World Where Events Appear Unfair And Illogical”

Shocked at Your Partner’s Behavior During Divorce?

divorce Frequently, a spouse is incredulous at their partner’s behavior during divorce. Why do we expect people to be on their best behavior during divorce? Does anyone actually behave better under stress? If you had a tendency to anxiety in your marriage, you are probably climbing the walls. If your spouse was controlling during the marriage, then s/he is probably exhibiting dictator-like characteristics. And if either of you had a tendency toward alcohol or drug abuse or domestic violence of any kind, then you can expect those frightening behaviors to escalate.

Divorce is not a catalyst for our finest behavior. During divorce, our negative traits are amplified as we become embroiled in a torrent of never ending finger-pointing and blame. Under stress, people do not communicate more effectively. Our foibles, weak spots, and least attractive characteristics often get called into play. How your partner reacted to adversity prior to the divorce gives you some fairly accurate clues as to how they will act during the divorce process. Yet, we have hope that transformation will occur. We want to believe that we can all act in a harmonious manner. We long to avoid conflict, confrontation and guilt. We have expectations that if … Read More... “Shocked at Your Partner’s Behavior During Divorce?”

The Uncooperative Co-Parent From a Therapist’s Perspective

Co-parent issues in Divorce, Custody and Child Custody.

Important tips for when a co-parent becomes uncooperative

This is the first of two back-to-back articles on this subject. The second one from the viewpoint of Dayton, Ohio, divorce lawyer Robert “Chip” Mues, will be posted here on Saturday March 3, 2012.

dayton ohio Co-Parent Uncooperative When you are going through a divorce, keeping your children’s well-being in the forefront of your mind is critical. Whether the children ultimately have an experience that is traumatic or manageable is a direct result of how well their parents’ behave. Some parents even stay together “for the sake of their children” but their behavior is so appalling that the kids beg their parents to split up. Whether you stay together or not, your children learn from and emulate your behavior. You are role models for healthy relationships.

Your commitment to protect your children from divorce acrimony is tested when you find yourself in the throes of splitting property and assets. You are exhausted, stressed, worried, and patience is at a premium. The ends of your conviction begin to fray as hostility escalates. If you are embroiled in bitter exchanges over issues of child support, visitation, parent styles and custody, … Read More... “The Uncooperative Co-Parent From a Therapist’s Perspective”

Parenting Time Suspension for Bad Behavior

Parenting Time Suspension can occur when a parent’s bad behavior gets in the way of the child’s best interest.

Parenting Time in dayton ohio

“Children must be considered in a divorce, considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.” – P.J. O’Rourke

The truthfulness of O’Rourke’s statement cannot be more evident. Children going through a divorce are often caught in the middle of two parents at war. They can be fighting about money, parenting time, adultery committed, or even about why the toilet seat was once again left up. Although this fighting in and of itself can be a traumatic time for a child caught in the middle, the worst of the fighting results when a parent uses his or her children to hurt the other parent.

In a case in Montgomery County, Ohio, recently affirmed by the Second District Court of Appeals, the Court decided that it was time to show parents that bad behavior can result in a suspension of parenting time.

Thomas Gisslen had his parenting time suspended when the Courts determined his behavior resulted in a traumatic experience for his children. Mr. Gisslen became involved with the Courts in 2007 when he filed for … Read More... “Parenting Time Suspension for Bad Behavior”

The Pendulum of Divorce Discovery

No one wants to get divorced. We don’t walk down the aisle thinking, “Aw, what the hell, if this doesn’t work, I can always get a divorce.” You probably thought more along the lines of, “I don’t care how many people get divorced. This is not going to happen to us!” Yet here you are. It is awful and it hurts more than you could have ever imagined.

Divorce is a process, with many issues, facets, twists, and turns. Your emotional well being, along with your financial and legal assets, will all be called into play. Where you live, how you live, how you define yourself, and what you want from life are all going to be examined, evaluated, and possibly changed. As the process unfolds, the most important thing you can do is learn to pace yourself. You will learn many new things about life, finances, the legal system, your spouse, and mostly yourself.

Right now, you may be focused on the fear and loss. But that will change. In one year you will feel better than you do now. In fact, you may feel better than you have ever felt in your life! How do we know this? … Read More... “The Pendulum of Divorce Discovery”

Whose Kids Are These?

Even young children are aware that they are part of both parents. We tell them the story of our courtship, our wedding and of their birth. We show them baby pictures. “You have Daddy’s smile and you have Mommy’s eyes,” we tell them. This is one way children feel they are part of a family. It helps our children develop a sense of identity and belonging. As children grow older, we begin to identify more traits in them that remind us of ourselves. “You are artistic like your dad” or “you have your mom’s wit” are further ways we continue to build connection with our kids.

But when a marriage starts to deteriorate, parents sometimes focus only on the worst traits of their spouse and now flinch at any similarity they may see in their children. When anger and stress collide, parents find themselves comparing their children in a negative way to “you’re no good lazy cheating father” or “that crazy drunk of a mother.”

As acrimony between the parents escalates, these remarks can become sharper and more frequent. The child of divorcing parents who is told, “You remind me of your father,” when he misbehaves, hears a painful rejection … Read More... “Whose Kids Are These?”

Do Challenging Children Cause a Bad Marriage?

Research published last month in Child Trends reported that happy marriages generally result in happy children. I was asked by a reader if children with any type of physical, emotional or developmental problems cause unhappy marriages.

Research has focused on parents raising children with such problems as Attention Deficit Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder and similar types of disabilities. The research findings have been ambiguous, with some studies finding a higher rate of divorce among such parents, and with others documenting no real differences. However, it’s clear that raising a special-needs child can result in a severe strain on a marriage. Here’s how successful marriages navigate these problems.

Put your marriage first. A child with any type of disability demands more time and attention than other children. Good parents naturally want to meet those special needs, but that may result in neglecting your spouse. Healthy relationships take time and work, so it takes an extra effort by both spouses to be attentive to the needs of their marriage partner.
Create a “no talk about children” zone. I recently learned about this technique from one of my clients. She found that virtually every conversation with her spouse revolved around some issue with

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